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Saturday, April 05, 2003
ACE Banned From Museum of Contemporary Art Gent
The amusement park and visual art worlds converged with a rare display of unification recently, with the display of an art exhibit called Roller Coaster, 2001, currently being shown at Belgium's Museum of Contemporary Art Ghent, inexplicably abbreviated as S.M.A.K. The exhibit, which consists of an actual sculpted, working small roller coaster set in an indoor art space at the museum, was crafted by Cai Guo-Qiang, 44, widely considered the most innovative and influential Chinese artist in the world at this time. However, the goodwill and exchange of ideas was brought to a halt this weekend, when the American Coaster Enthusiasts were permanently banned from S.M.A.K.
The difficulties began when a crowd of one hundred ACE members showed up at the museum last Saturday. After unsuccessfully demanding an ERT session of two hours on the installation, many ACErs began forming a line to ride the exhibit anyway.
"Since we weren't able to negotiate any ERT, picnics, or behind the scenes tours from the management, despite paying our entrance fee to this park like any old GP, we figured we should at least do some of our famous Western Pennsylvania ACE Region Informal Takeover Times," said regional rep David Harris. "The museum certainly seemed to have a major problem with our informal takeover of Roller Coaster. Informal takeovers don't cost parks any money, and bring them lots of good publicity. If S.M.A.K. can't make some sort of accommodation to coaster enthusiasts, we'll just never come to this sh*thole again. I mean, this is the only ride here! How can they justify the admission price when all they have are themed art exhibits, a shop, and one lame coaster? At least they should add some flat rides and a real adult coaster. Pathetic."
Said exhibit director Gunther Schadenfreude, pictured here in a cheeky moment involving paint and possibly too much time on his hands, "zees Coaster Enthusiasts vere riding ze installation, und making pig dog demands. Zis ve do not accept. Zey vill not disgrace our gesamtscheißewerke like zis. They shall never return here vile I am in charge!"
Chuckling cruelly, Schadenfreude added, "ve gave them big time S.M.A.K. down on ze way out, ja?"
Opinions on the ride varied amongst ACE members. Billy McTavich, 40, said "I didn't get to ride it. It looked cool, though. There's a nice swerving drop and what looked like a hint of airtime. Maybe the Guggenheim will bring the installation to the United States. To be honest, after that pile of crap Armani exhibit they clogged the aisles with a couple years back, they owe me a coaster."
However, fellow member Jackie Tucker, 21, stated that Roller Coaster “totally sucked, and isn’t built with larger riders in mind. I don’t recommend a visit to this park.”
Posted at 4:29 PM | Link |
Friday, April 04, 2003
In Scheduling Master Stroke, ACE Announces Appearance by That Guy Who Took a Leak on Top Thrill Dragster for CoasterCon
If you thought the fun of CoasterCon was going to be limited to grotesque demonstrations of the elasticity of the human stomach and whining about trim brakes, think again! Because ACE – in a last-minute addition – just announced that that guy who took a leak on Cedar Point’s new coaster, Top Thrill Dragster, will be at the event and speaking to the group.
"When we heard Helen Hunt had yet again sent her regrets about her inability to join us, we knew we needed someone big," said ACE spokesman Constance Laertes. "And then it hit us – that guy who took a leak on Top Thrill Dragster! That'd be huge!"
That guy who took a leak on Top Thrill Dragster was unavailable for comment, but Laertes told ARN&R that his speech is likely to include a detailed discussion of when he realized he needed to urinate, how far it would have been to walk to a Porta-Potty, the sanitation level of said Porta-Potty, how he came to decide that the particular corner was the appropriate place for him to urinate, how it felt to urinate in that corner, how it felt to learn that a photograph of him urinating was being pored over by hundreds of coaster enthusiasts, and how he has found the fame that comes with being that guy who took a leak on Top Thrill Dragster.
For the next big event, ACE is reportedly attempting to book either that girl from the group home who took a dump next to American Eagle or that guy who masturbated behind Hypersonic: XLC's loading station after meeting Stan Checketts.
Thursday, April 03, 2003
ACE Press Release Announces New Incentive for Attending Coaster Con
Pajama Party Offers "Get Laid" Guarantee
Ed. Note: The following was receved by ARN&R as an official press release from the American Coaster Enthusiasts.
If you thought our patch-covered jackets, ugly t-shirts, utter lack of social skills and bottomless buffets were the best ways for ACE members to break the ice and "get some," we have come up with a new way for you to put that box of condoms you have had undisturbed since 1985 to use. Yes, for the 2003 Coaster Con we are proud to present the ACE Pajama Party!
Just check out the flyer. From 8:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Tuesday, June 17 ACE is offering a pajama party at the Richmond Marriott!
Think of how fun this will be. Hideous men and women untouched by human contact for years will gather in one room, bring movies and make awkward attempts at being social. Our organizers will start things off with showings of special amusement-park-oriented adult films such as the 1987 classic Riding the Magic Woodie and the more recent Hypersuckit XLC. If these don't get you a little hot and bothered there will be plenty of alcohol and food so you can work up the nerve to talk to that special someone. Granted, this will be the first time some of these people have been out of their house this year, but that just makes things easier.
There will be lots of swingin' singles for you to choose from, too! Let's look at just a couple:
Ladies, watch out for Tony Partridge. He is 36, single, a computer programmer, just moved out of his mom's house and is ready to hit the town. His "C:Dos, C:Dos\Run, Run:Dos\Run" shirt is sure to leave you in stitches and break any uncomfortable tension. And his inability to look at anything besides your breasts is just a little quirky tic he has.
Hey guys, watch out for "Sassy" Susie Stillman. She is 32, single, just got promoted to the night shift associate assistant manager at the Walgreens in Menomonee, Wisconsin, and rents a stylish 1970's duplex. Sure, she's a little pale, but after a few beers you'll think you're in bed with a young co-ed instead of Casper the Ghost.
Because there will be so many attractive singles for you to choose from (noting the 20:1 male to female ratio) we are proud to say that we will offer you a $100 refund if you do not get laid at this party.
Remember the deadline for Coaster Con is soon! This week will offer over ten food-related events and several of those occasions have the words "all you can eat" in them. We are proud to say that our new Pajama Party will give that term a whole new meaning.
No Eighth-Rate Celebrities Brained By Geese Yet This Season
Busch Gardens Williamsburg Offers Apologies to the Nation
In a press conference this afternoon, tearful and crestfallen Busch Gardens Williamsburg representatives apologized to the American public for failing to injure any low-grade, virtually useless celebrities yet this season. Said Tom Lancey, "We really socked it to that wanker Fabio a few years back, what with that monster goose splattering right in his square jaw while he was helping celebrate the opening of Apollo's Chariot. We got so much great publicity out of that, we've tried ever since to stick it to minor entertainment figures when they visit the park, to no avail. A couple years ago, we added 300 new fowl to the park, hoping they would assault Corey Feldman, Anna Nicole Smith, and Gary Coleman. No luck."
Lancey continued: "Last season, we took to actually hurling goose and duck carcasses directly at full trainloads of Apollo riders, trying to nail eighth-rate visiting stars like Tiffany, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and the clearly retarded David Arquette. Still no luck. And we missed that repulsive Carrot Top bastard twelve times on this season's opening day, despite our expensive new computerized system that catapults swans and ostriches toward useless celebrities with what we assumed to be a great degree of accuracy. We suck. Fabio, please come back and help us out. Take another one in the face for us."
When interviewed by reporters, a Busch Gardens wild turkey named Mr. Squawkers, who resides at the far turnaround of Apollo's Chariot and has frequently been seen diving at movie and music personalities of minimal acceptability, had this to say: "Gobble, gobble, gobble!!! Bu-kok, bu-gobble! Cluck! Gobbledy gobble gooble gobble!"
Then he added, angrily, "Gobble gobble gobble!!!"
Fabio refused to be interviewed for this story, but his agent told ARN&R that the heartthrob "is still deeply offended and upset by the unprovoked avian assault, as the injuries Fabio sustained all but ended his dream of simultaneously becoming a nuclear physicist, plant geneticist, brain surgeon, and angst-ridden poet."
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
ARN&R Fails To Win Coasterbuzz Site of Year Award
Coasterbuzz recently posted its list of 2003 awards, and ARN&R is deeply disturbed and concerned that our site did not win. Actually, we barely managed to finish out of last place, despite the fact that we helpfully provided instructions on how to vote multiple times by emptying your cache and cookies. We are therefore unable to follow up on our promise that, if we were victorious, we would never insult or mock any idiots (like Xfan) who post at Coasterbuzz, nor will we be switching our format to consist entirely of fawning portraits of Vekoma, Premier, Six Flags, and the most succulent amusement park foods on sticks. We regret that we must continue savagely mocking enthusiasts and parks for the foreseeable future. You have only yourselves to blame.
Six Flags America Revises CoasterCon Add-On Day Plans
Reacting to widespread enthusiast outrage over its flyer announcing an add-on day following the 2003 ACE Coaster Convention, Six Flags America hastened to release a new schedule today.
"We were shocked at the negative publicity created by our proposed day at Six Flags," stated SFA manager Bud Billingsworth. "We felt sure that hundreds of devoted coaster fans would pay $35, plus $9 parking, for the rare privilege of a Saturday in our filthy, crowded, gangland park, with a monster full hour of morning ERT thrown in for good measure. Also there was the alluring promise of fried chicken, ziti, hot dogs, and metric assloads of thick gravy to tempt those ACErs. I guess we miscalculated."
Following what Billingsworth called "an unending stream of abusive emails, chat group postings, and threatening phone calls," the manager retracted the earlier itinerary. The new version of the event was posted to the ACE website tonight.
"We do listen to our customers," insisted Billingsworth. "We are now planning to offer this exciting add-on day for only $34.99, with parking for a mere $8.99. Also, the pitiful one hour of morning coaster ERT has been removed in favor of an exciting one hour of Security Frisking ERT! Each ACE member will receive an hour of personal searching from a burly security guard. The excitement will be in not knowing if the guard will merely pat the ACE member down, run a metal detector over him, engage in a full body cavity search, or tackle him and club him senseless for suspicion of having metal objects like, say, keys, which could be used as weapons. We're also planning to give 7 hours of night ERT on the one-of-a-kind thrill attraction Mind Eraser. And to the lunch menu we will add that suet buffet that ACE members have been craving. Hopefully ACE members will be pleased with our efforts on their behalf, and we'll expect to see each and every one of them at our gorgeous park!"
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
A Special April Fool's Day Reminder From ARN&R
We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that there are websites out there in cyberland that propagate the spread of misleading and downright ridiculous rumors regarding the amusement industry. Particularly at this time of year, or, more specifically, this day of the year, newsgroups and websites tend to present a great deal of outlandish information for the sole purpose of leading honest coaster enthusiasts astray. We encourage our readers to take any information gleaned on this day with more than a grain of salt, unless of course the information comes directly from ARN&R, the only "absolutely reliable" source of honest, straight, undeniable true facts regarding your favorite and/or most loathed amusement parks and ride manufacturers.
With that in mind, ARN&R is happy to confirm the absolute veracity of the following rumors, according to our loyal spies within various park managements:
1) Magnum really is sinking into Lake Erie. The rate of sinkage is estimated to be more than a foot per year currently, meaning the ride will lose its coveted "hypercoaster" status within half a decade. Cedar Point plans to use sandbags, reroute water patterns, and eventually move the historic landmark several hundred yards inland from its present location.
2) Paramount King's Island will tear down the Vortex. Although many enthusiasts were hoping the park would do so purely out of spite, PKI actually intends to re-install The Bat, claiming that "even though it broke down for months at a time, at least it didn't induce seizures and comas."
3) Dorney Park will finally open those dueling wood standup inverted air-launched coasters we've been hearing so much about.
4) Sea World California will, for no apparent reason, construct a massive immersive ride based on the music of Gustav Mahler.
5) ARN&R will be listed for the first time as a Fortune 500 company.
6) Your Rollercoaster Magazine will appear in your mailbox this week. No, not the 2002 Summer issue. The 2003 Winter issue.
7) The trains on Six Flags World of Adventure's X-Flight will be turned to face backward for the 2003 season.
8) Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park will turn It's a Small World into a shooting gallery attraction.
9) All ACE event buffets will feature double the tonnage of gristly, dripping meats on sticks for your enjoyment. Also, there will be more gravy.
10) Hundreds of hot, intelligent, scantily-clad, single, very horny, college-aged girls, who adore coasters and their enthusiasts, will be attending each and every coaster event this coming season. Maybe even Jessica Alba, if we let her out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion like we promised, but wished we hadn't.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Enthusiasts Not So Enthusiastic
As this season opens for many theme parks, enthusiasts are not so enthusiastic over this year's offerings.
"Heck," states teen enthusiast Brent Bittlespoon, "the only truly exciting ride to come along is Top Thrill Dragster, and I envision lines so long one would not expect to ride the thing until late 2004."
Michael McGowen concurs, "Very few parks are offering new rides and, due to the fact my computer is still running Windows 95 and cannot accommodate RollerCoaster Tycoon, I am just too tired from masturbating to care whether Scream is a scream or not."
"I could see traveling the few extra miles to King's Dominion if they offered a new buffet-style restaurant this season," mumbled Cynthia Hogsworth, "but all they got is a new Drop Tower...How booooooring."
So many enthusiasts around the country are grumbling over the lackluster 2003 season, many parks are considering canceling the season altogether and jumping right in to the 2004 season.
"This would be fantastic!" Exclaimed ARN&Rs JCK. "It would mean the opening of such rides as DCA's Tower of Terror, just to name one."
The 2003 season was so poorly planned that Six Flags's brochures include not one smiling face among the batch. "It was difficult enough to get weary park patrons willing enough to sign over their rights just to pose for the pics, nevermind smile for them," claimed SF park representative Marlene Hamper-Tertertitio. "We just hope the opening of Six Flags New Orleans will make up for the lost profits from all our 34 other parks."
Busch Gardens' parks are going to rely on new flowers and shrubs to draw new crowds. Paramount execs will pray for a new hit film they can base an attraction on before season's end. Universal plans nothing but cutbacks. And, once again, Disney representatives had no comment.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.