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Saturday, March 15, 2003
Awful Grammar and Virulent Anti-ARN&R Sentiment Brilliantly Combined
ARN&R is pleased to announce that our humble little blog has again created violent irritation at the profoundly exceptional and influential ThemeParkCritic website. Amongst the amusing rants is Mrceagle's commentary, a piece of poetry, sculpture, and linguistic splendor so breathtaking in its power and comprehensible grammar that the feeble human mind can hardly be expected to grasp its genius. This icon of brilliant modern writing has been placed in its own category of supergenius-level thought by leading German philosophers and artists, who have labeled Mrceagle as the founder and hero of the Gesamtscheißewerk movement. Here is the gorgeous flowery verse, written (we think) in Farsi, Sanskrit, or Punjabi, exactly as it appears at ThemeParkCritic:
"obiasly someone has to much time on their hands. not to mention that they arn't reative enuf to rumer a resanable ride or one that you would lafe at. every one of tei atracions mentined ina deferant park would have sounded a little more realistic. same bull we had on UFH last year."
Take a deep breath, enjoy the sublime beauty of this moment in your lives, and then read the entire thread here.
Friday, March 14, 2003
Petting Zoo Goat Runs Amuck
Wild Adventures, a medium-sized theme park in Valdosta, Georgia, was devastated today by the antics of an out-of-control goat. The deranged member of the Capra genus has thrown the small community into an uproar seldom seen outside Valdosta State University football games and bumper surfing matches.
The goat, known to park employees as "Sam Barber," began his outrageous shenanigans by surprising 7-year-old Michael Torke from behind and stealing his ice cream cone. "The bad goat ate my ice cream!" wailed the child. He further elaborated that "then it tried to eat me!"
While experts dismiss the comments of Torke as a severe exaggeration of the truth, pointing out that goats are not carnivorous, the boy's mother did note that "the horrible little creature stole my child's food, and subsequently chased him into some goat s&*%. Now he's traumatized and keeps thinking small hoofed animals are going to chew on his succulent flesh. Also, it's not going to fun trying to clean all that goat s#%&* off his Zips."
Others were terrorized by the deadly animal throughout the day. "I was trying to give one of the sheep a pat on the head, and he kept glaring at me and scooting away," said coaster enthusiast Paul Creston, 46. "Maybe he'd had a bad experience with enthusiasts before...I think some of the ACE members at the park event here this January tried to catch and roast one of those sheep for lunch, maybe. Anyway, I was so distracted trying to pet the sheep that I didn't notice that filthy goat sneaking up, and he ate half of my precious Rampage T-shirt before I escaped. That thing should be taken out of the pen and shot."
Creston noted that "at least four or five other people had clothes torn apart and partially ingested by that thing, just during the time I was near the petting zoo."
"Now people are beginning to witness what happens when humans humiliate and enslave our happy mammalian friends," said Gordon Beeferman of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "This intelligent, beautiful creature has been forced to live in a big, wide pen getting stuffed with tasty morsels of food every day of his life. It's demeaning and horrifying, and we support this goat's assaults on disgusting humans who are taking advantage of him. Eat those shirts, Sam! Trick the human monsters into stepping on your goat poo! Gore those bastards on your horns!"
Beeferman then added, "ooooh, is that barbecue I smell? Mmmmmmmm....dang, that looks yummy. Hang on, I'll be back in a minute. Yes, ma'am. Two platters, and don't skimp on the white meat. Of course I'm going to finish both plates myself."
Wild Adventures released a terse statement to the media, saying that "all patrons are warned about the possibility of goat naughtiness, and that people who pet the animals need to watch out for themselves that the their ice cream and stupid coaster shirts are not being chewed upon by hoofed barnyard creatures."
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Helen Hunt Declines Yet Another CoasterCon Guest Appearance
The thousands of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were crestfallen to learn this week that actress Helen Hunt had turned down yet another offer to speak at an ACE Coaster Convention, refusing to be a part of the festivities this summer at Paramount King's Dominion and Busch Gardens Williamsburg. Hunt is a particularly favorite actress with coaster enthusiasts, based on her acting ability, perky breasts, and, primarily, her extremely small role in the rather piss-poor movie Rollercoaster.
"Obviously, we are upset," stated events director Gary Baker. "We felt Ms. Hunt would be an excellent addition to the festivities at the CoasterCon this season. She would be a fine keynote speaker at the banquet, and we could raffle off some rides with her in the front seat of of Rebel Yell and raise tons of bread. Sadly, we'll now have to come up with other options."
Hunt, who as a twelve year old had about 10 lines in the 70's stink bomb about a terrorist who blows up amusement rides, was also asked to attend the Con last summer at Magic Mountain, but declined. This came as a total shock to new ACE executives, who felt that Hunt would jump at the chance to see a private screening of Rollercoaster and answer questions from morons bloated on pounds of cheap buffet. Long term ACE insiders reluctantly admit to ARN&R that Hunt has actually politely declined an invitation to appear and speak at every official ACE function since 1990.
An agent of Hunt's released the following statement to the media: "While Helen is pleased to be recognized for her work in all of her films and television shows, she wishes ACE would come to its senses and perhaps even get a life. No one else really cares about her minor child role in a laughably stupid movie decades ago. Helen makes millions of dollars, and does not need to take a 500 dollar appearance fee to lecture a bunch of geeks about something she barely remembers. Also, she would prefer not to be fondled by all the horny teens who are reputed to be abundant at these enthusiast gatherings. Eventually, Helen's career will deteriorate to the point where she will have to act in reprehensible garbage like Pay it Forward on a regular basis instead of once in a while, and at that point she may need to take some invitations to speak with some groups or what not. Until that point, forget it."
The agent added, "and no, Helen would not like to date any enthusiast, nor would she like to receive any more detailed lists of favorite stand up and suspended coasters from any of you people."
The revised list of potential speakers at the upcoming Coastercon now consists of the AFLAC duck, Florence Henderson, David Arquette, some stinking drunk Vekoma designers, and, of course, Carrot Top. Reaction from ACE members is reportedly mixed, as many members prefer Jessica Alba. Sadly, ARN&R reportedly has the young lass under an exclusive contract for the next several years of coaster functions, so ACE members may be required to brace themselves for the cretin hijinks of a washed up 1-800-CALL-ATT spokesman of some sort instead.
Hey! Aren't You Bozos Supposed To Be On Hiatus Or Something?
Literally pairs of enthusiasts rejoiced this week as they realized that the flow of useless information pouring forth from the great minds at ARN&R had slowed, but had not come to a crashing standstill, as previously advertised and feared. Indeed, many irritated amusement industry experts are reportedly quite put out that ARN&R has managed to continue its cuddling and ass kissing of the amusement industry, as always.
Rumor has it that some of the ARN&R staff has been particularly noble this week, what with more than one of them taking time out from their busy out of state work schedules to contribute a piece here and there. Rumor has it that one staff member even managed to publish articles using a piece of crap, worthless, filthy pile of garbage borrowed IMac, even though the Blog buttons do not appear on OS operating systems, forcing him to learn a few crude lines of html code in order to please his throngs of worshipful minions. All 5 or 6 of them, anyway. These rumors cannot be confirmed at this time.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Members of Extreme Sue Six Flags Over Amusement Park Tagline
Members of the eighties rock group ‘Extreme’ recently filed a lawsuit against Six Flags Theme Parks, for the use of the tagline “The Xtreme Park” with their flagship property in Valencia, California. The lawsuit comes after nearly two years of the ad slogan being used to hype Six Flags Magic Mountain as the home of some of the most thrilling, most exciting, most ‘xtreme’ rides in the world.
“This is an extreme case of obvious copyright infringement,” stated Extreme lead singer Gary Cherone. “People hear about Magic Mountain being ‘The Xtreme Park’ and venture there, thinking that they’ll see us performing on a daily basis. Most people think we're the opening act for the 'Just Wingin' It' bird show, for some reason. It's embarrassing for us to imagine that our fans think we are some washed-up rock band that can’t get a better gig than one at an amusement park filled with hyperactive teenagers. I mean, last week, we played for a crowd of sixty people in Valparaiso, Indiana---we damn near sold out the place!”
An outraged Del Holland, general manager of Magic Mountain, stated “[Cherone] is just upset because we wiped our asses with Extreme’s proposal for a 'Pornograffitti'-themed dark ride [based on the park's 1990 album]. I guess they thought that they were Aerosmith or Ratt and assumed that they deserved to be immortalized in a thrill ride.” David Bloom, an attorney representing Six Flags, added, “We are going to reciprocate with lawsuits of our own against both the band as a whole for being a second-rate rock act and thus diluting the meaning of the word ‘xtreme,’ as well as Gary Cherone personally, who is believed to have recently “rejoined” his former band after a twenty-two minute gig as the third lead singer of Van Halen, just for the sake of cashing in on what they believe is trademark infringement.”
Who Cares? Management, who represents the band, promises that the lawsuit will not have any effect on Extreme’s recently-announced 2003 World Tour, during which the band will perform at over three dozen local bars throughout the country for tens of rowdy fans, as well as open for Ratt during their summer tour of Europe.
United Nations Deploys Coaster Enthusiasts to Iraq
The United Nations today made the unusual move of deploying hundreds of international coaster enthusiasts to Iraq. With the possibility of war between the United States and Iraq looming over the issue of arms inspections in the latter country, United Nations representatives were hopeful that their drastic maneuver might yet save lives and avert catastrophe.
"We simply must have more conclusive weapons inspections," stated Burkina Lombasa, a United Nations delegate from the nation of Southwestern North Upper Faso Volta. "We are willing to do anything possible to continue negotiations and prevent civilian casualties in a terrible war. With this new maneuver, Operation Dumbo Drop, we have littered the Iraqi landscape with several hundred rabid coaster enthusiasts from various nations."
When queried as to how these enthusiasts, legendary among the world's populace and their own frustrated families for not caring or having any knowledge of anything on the planet not directly related to amusement parks, would help avert global annihilation, Lombasa smiled and said, "we're going to have these enthusiasts search out Iraqi weapons for us. Have you seen any of these freaks in action? Why, last year, on my Midwestern coaster vacation with my ECC buddies, I saw enthusiasts doing the craziest things to get photos and documentation of new amusements in their favorite parks. One Ohio enthusiast drove the highways of his hime state for 3 straight weeks with breaks only for restrooms and mashed potatoes with extra gravy, just so he could get pictures of track coming for Top Thrill Dragster. I hear one of these ACE members spent a month freezing in a pup tent outside Six Flags New England just in the hopes of confirming which sort of crappy, lame flat ride would be added this season. Is anyone going to tell me these wankers can't sniff out Saddam Hussein's private stash? Now, we did have to fib a bit to get these enthusiasts searching Saddam's secret warehouses, so we just told them all that Iraq was building some cool-ass coasters called The Chemical Warhead, the SCUD, and the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'll see. They'll find them within minutes."
President Bush was quoted as saying that "we were really hoping we couldn't find any biologicalistic or nucyular weapons in Iraq so we could bomb them back to the Stone Age, under the asssumption these weaponries were still there somewhere. If these coaster enthusiastics can find Saddam's Storehouse of Evil, then that's great. We'll just bomb the crap out of Finland or Djibouti or something instead."
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Hot Rerun Action
Just to horrify as many people as possible during our slow update period the next couple of weeks, we might as well leave the front page with the most wholesome family value-based article we've churned out recently.
Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity
Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.
“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”
Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”
Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”
Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”
The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.
ARN&R On Hiatus, Kind of, Maybe, To a Certain Extent
Attention loyal readers and those who send us hateful missives laden with hysterically awful attempts to make use of our native English tongue! Updates to ARN&R over the next couple of weeks may be infrequent due to the extreme (sorry, Xtrrreeeeemmmmme!) work load being undertaken by both the Supreme Vice Chancellor Overlord of ARN&R Editing Operations and the Chief ARN&R Lieutenant Master Writer Second in Command in the near future. Be assured that we will keep foisting obnoxious articles upon the dismayed American public as much as possible in the upcoming fortnight or so, and will bequeath all of you with an utter onslaught of sassy hijinks at the earliest time we can manage. Thanks for your support and/or hatred.
Er....actually, we lie. We aren't really busy. We've merely been promised extra time in the ARN&R Mansion's hot tub with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Alba and can't turn it down. See you in a few days if they let us up for air for a few minutes.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.