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Saturday, March 08, 2003
Frontier City Adds Mexican Restaurant
Frontier City, the original Premier-owned park, has for many years lagged behind most of the other parks of the Premier and Six Flags chains, both in upkeep and in new rides. That will all change this year with the opening of ErUPtion, which Frontier City calls a “thrilling and unique Mexican eatery that will dazzle the taste buds and tickle the lower intestines.”
“We really wanted a signature attraction at Frontier City, the flagship of Six Flags Properties,” said the park’s manager, Harlan Boef Sur Le Toit. “ErUPtion will feature steaming platters of refried beans, gristly low-grade Cuban beef, fiery habanero peppers, pungent green and red sauce, sour cream, and mounds of cheese. You better bet there will be some ‘erUPtions’ from the very bowels of our guests after they consume this yummy concoction.”
Boef Sur Le Toit added that the name ‘ErUPtion’ was chosen very carefully. “We thought about calling our signature attraction ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Savage Stomach Cramping,’ ‘Los Trots,’ or ‘Violent Anal Hemorrhage,’ but ‘ErUPtion’ seemed to best describe what guests will experience an hour or two after digesting the tasty snacks we offer at this restaurant.”
Six Flags Corporate released a statement to the press indicating that if ErUPtion is a success, Frontier City might just be in line to receive a used trampoline and a tetherball set next season.
Drunken Former Vekoma Workers Plan New Coasters, Company
Visibly intoxicated former employees of Vekoma spend a weeknight binge drinking, vomiting copiously, and creating fascinating new rides, say sources close to ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, fourteen coaster designers and amusement experts who worked for the Dutch company were seen shotgunning malt liquor, mixing Strawberry Boone’s with XO Cognac, and participating in other Bacchanalian atrocities until well past 4AM. The entrepreneurs also made preliminary drawings of several repulsively awful coasters they plan to inflict upon the public.
“Yeah, I thought maybe I’s just maka upa coasser at random this week,” blabbered the near-comatose Zeke Hanson. “I mean, who’s give a rat’s ass anyways cuz no one likes our rides and people hurts they heads on coassers and that guy told on us to the website cuz we drunk.” Hanson showed reporters a crude picture, written in Burnt Siena crayon, of a new flying coaster design that features pincers supporting passengers by the knuckles and scrotum.
After uttering several unprintable obscenities (deleted due to the wholesome family nature of our publications), Hanson added that “maybe I’s make ride that bash heads or cause ear bleeding or put anal probe on. Too bad S&S thought of the crotch bunnies and not me.”
The ex-employees of the universally disliked Vekoma corporation also found time amidst all the St. Ides/Midori/Everclear punch guzzling to officially form their own company after breaking from bankrupt Vekoma. The company will be called KumbaK. The former Vekoma workers expect a titanic lawsuit any second now from Bolliger & Mabillard, who are assumed to be more than mildly peeved by the idea that even one stupid earth dweller might be confused into thinking that the widely praised and innovative B&M megalooper at Busch Gardens Tampa was built by the same imbeciles who foisted the SLC, Boomerang, and Gouderix upon the citizens of the Free World.
ARN&R contacted the ever-reliable and coherent Xfan for his opinions on ex-Vekoma workers being stinking drunk while creating garbage coasters, seeing as this brave soul was the first to uncover widespread intoxicated debauchery throughout the staff at ARN&R. Xfan issued a terse “no comment” on the matter, stating that he was “busy studying for [his] Kindergarten Equivalency Tests.”
Designer Joss Haagenfrau proudly showed off his drunken designs for the evening. Der Übertrachtprugel will, if Haagenfrau’s inebriated sketches can be considered reliable, feature coaster cars which rise to a high peak, then lock into place and tilt into position, after which they plummet face first directly into the ground 200 feet below. Haagenfrau noted that “even more pains would be causing than Mind Erasers.” Immediately prior to blacking out in a puddle of his own excrement, the designer twirled in circles on a table yelling “our little Mikey’s all growns up, our little Mikey’s all growns up!”
Thursday, March 06, 2003
S&S/Arrow Announces New Standup Coaster Featuring Soft Little Fuzzy Bunnies In Sensitive Areas
S&S/Arrow announced today its new line of launched inverted stand-up coasters. Along with Arrow's trademark roughness and utter lack of transitions, and S&S's utter lack of reliability, the ride will have something new: soft little fuzzy bunnies attached to each seat to protect male riders from discomfort. The move is thought to come in reaction to recent stories about nipple burn caused by Vekoma restraints.
"I used to love riding standup coasters, but I hated what it did to my lil' bag of fun," said Stan Checketts, S&S/Arrow's CEO, referring to the bicycle-seat-style of seat common on older standup coasters. "I'd be sore for days, especially when I followed it up with naked mechanical bull-riding while being whipped by a dozen angry howler monkeys on acid. So the other day, while sitting in a bathtub of lemon juice giving myself paper cuts, it came to me: bunnies in the crotch! It'll be great!"
Noted professional enthusiast Paul Ruben was ecstatic over the news. "I love coasters, and I love bunnies, and I love my crotch. Put them all together, and I'm as happy as I can be! Unless, of course, you get me on television. I like that better than coasters or bunnies or my crotch."
Checketts is still resolving the issues of maintaining the bunnies' health while attached to the ride. They are expected to be fastened down with garden-variety power staplers (with ride operators having the new responsibility of checking the staples and restapling if tearing occurs), but providing food and water may be a challenge. S&S/Arrow is reportedly considering using its patented thrust-air technology to force into their digestive system a specially designed feed consisting of ground-up chicken intenstines, cesspool water, and metal shavings.
Vekoma SLC Savages Women's Naughty Bits
We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.
S&S Announces Return of Ron Toomer, New Tower Attraction
In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.
“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.
The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”
After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.
Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.
Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Area Woman Stunned By THE FUTURE
Melinda Daetsch, a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania native, was utterly stunned by THE FUTURE Wednesday during her visit to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. Specifically, Daetsch reported being “completely overwhelmed by the technological splendor” she glimpsed during her visit to the legendary Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom’s Tommorowland section.
“The show was pretty boring for a while, as it just showed some lame animatronic dolls talking about past events in an unconvincing way,” Daetsch told ARN&R. "But then that last scene came up, and I was transported to THE FUTURE in a way I never thought possible. There were so many wonders that Disney showed me. Will any of the things they describe in Carousel of Progress ever come to pass? Can we hope, nay, pray, that we will be so fortunate? They kept talking about Laserdisc players. Surely this kind of technology won’t be experienced in our lifetime! And those big, wonderful car phones. Pshaw! That’s got to be science fiction!”
Daetsch was also intrigued by the theater itself, not just the amazing technology of THE FUTURE shown in the scenes. “At first, I was really unimpressed with the theater. It looked like it had been rejected by a derelict Arkansas military school’s playhouse. Everything stunk of mildew and mold. But then I thought, ‘whoa, what if these seats are so magically technological and advanced, they are actually made of mold and mildew, not covered in them.’ What an astounding development that would be, if Disney could help the world develop bioengineered seats out of nasty things we currently have. They could show our scientists how to make cars out of bubblegum and pillows out of sloppy-wet dog feces. I’m amazed and pleased that Disney has shown me the power and majesty of THE FUTURE at Carousel of Progress.”
ARN&R has learned that Disney plans to update CoP in the upcoming years by including fun references to thrilling unheard-of technologies such as "cell phones," "DVD," and "wheels."
Sunday, March 02, 2003
New Disney Thrillrides Greenlighted
ARN&R has just learned that Walt Disney World, in Buena Vista, Florida, has been slated to receive several new E-ticket attractions, slated to open throughout 2004. According to Disney spokesman Bill Zeebub, “there’s going to be so much excitement at Disney in the next few years, no Florida visitor will even consider visiting any other parks.”
Industry experts see the greenlighting of these new projects as proof that Disney has finally realized it has lost guests and money over the past several seasons. “First of all, there are the sponsorship issues, “ stated Desmond Bishop, an Amusement Business columnist. “At the Disney World parks, they have recently lost deals with AMEX, FedEx, GE, MetLife, and others. They release a new ride very rarely at any of the parks, and it inevitably has flaws that result in closures and capacity issues. They charge obscene amounts for admission and services. It’s finally caught up to them.”
Bishop added that, “we are finally seeing Disney react to its problems in a positive fashion, though. These exciting new rides will, our publication feels, bring back the respect and influx of money that Disney expects and is accustomed to receiving. The Mouse is back!”
Zeebub gave reporters tantalizing hints as to what 2004 would hold for each of the Florida Disney parks. “Visitors to the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland should prepare for the excitement of Bridget Jones’s Diary: The Ride. This will be a 400-foot launched Vekoma coaster where passengers experience a one-of-a-kind thrill of being placed in the ‘flying’ position during portions of the coaster. Heartwarming scenes from the movie will be projected on giant IMAX screens around the riders, and we expect that they will be both touched by the cloying sweetness and have their pants soiled by the utter terror of this attraction. It’s a unique combination people will love.”
Other parks will also be blessed by new major endeavors. The MGM Studios Park will add a ride called The View, which will be “an exhilarating next-generation interactive thrill experience dealing with the popular daytime talk show.” Riders will first strap themselves onto hosts Barbara Walters, Meredith Vieira, Joy Behar, or Star Jones (actually, ARN&R has learned that these are elaborate ride vehicles themed to the hosts rather than the hosts themselves; the Star Jones vehicle will be specially designed to accommodate guests of larger proportions). They will then prepare to “experience an astonishing multisensory overload.” Apparently, the cars will move much like the ones for Spiderman at Islands of Adventure, but will be suspended and capable of inversions. Live action, 3-D goggles, and 230 million dollars worth of pyrotechnics and water tank effects will be used. A plot line involving in-depth discussion of women’s health issues, detailed interviews with movie stars, exciting fluff pieces, and a violent, gory, intergalactic space battle is still being finalized, but the show “promises to be a true dominator of all five senses.” Rumored guest contributors include all the hosts of The View, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Met Opera music director James Levine, the members of Metallica, and Carrot Top. No official word has been given on a possible cameo from departed host Lisa Ling, nor on whether the expensive attraction will be sponsored by Old Navy.
EPCOT is slated to receive 40 Days and 40 Nights: The Decimation. Details are scarce about this attraction, but Zeebub told reporters that the ride “will utilize a unique and specially designed interactive centrifuge pod system that will simulate a thrilling mission in space.” Says Lance Hart of Screamscape, “this is almost certainly a cheap last-minute retheming of an existing delayed attraction, Mission: Space. Disney is just trying to capitalize on a hastily slung-together theme so they can slap Josh Hartnett’s mug up everywhere.”
Finally, Animal Kingdom will add “Slingblade…On Ice!!!” According to Zeebub, “Disney could think of no other property it owns more suited to a dazzling display of Broadway-style songs and tantalizing ice skating spins and jumps than Slingblade. Visitors to Animal Kingdom seem to enjoy coming to the park even though there are basically no rides, so we thought we’d keep that trend going.” But that’s not all. The ice show will be the centerpiece of the brand new 5,000-dollar Deep South Land at AK. Zeebub says, “we could not locate a really appropriate themed area within Animal Kingdom in which to place the attraction, so we plan to sling, so to speak, a new Deep South-themed area together for it. Basically, we’ll have some pigs and goats, and a few old outhouses and some rusted El Caminos stuck up on blocks. The food stands will serve biscuits with mustard. We’ll also have an interactive tobacco exhibit, where you can pick the leaves, dry them, and sample the final product by putting a pinch between your cheek and gum. The kids will love it!”
Zeebub refused to confirm speculation on whether Miramax’s exciting Kate & Leopold franchise would finally receive its own E-ticket attraction in the next few years.
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