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Saturday, February 15, 2003
Michael Jackson Under Fire Again
Already embroiled in controversy ever since the startling documentary on his life was aired February 7th by 20/20, Michael Jackson faced new damning accusations today from amusement experts around the nation.
“I was initially shocked by all that stuff about Michael sleeping in the same bed as little kids, getting all that plastic surgery, and making his kids wear masks all the time,” said Kansas enthusiast Ned Henry. “Then, when I saw the replay of the whole interview this weekend on VH1, I noticed something I’d overlooked…something even more terrible and depressing. Neverland is a really crummy park.”
“How can the mystique of Neverland be maintained after the public has viewed what is basically a miniature showroom of ancient Chance rides?” asked Oregon enthusiast Bill Dunworthy. “Here we all were, thinking that, along with Stricker’s Grove, Neverland would be the one Grail most enthusiasts could never attain. We dreamed, we fantasized, we hoped one day we might get a glimpse of the Promised Land. What a disappointment. That place has less to do than Quassy.”
Initial allegations of the lack of Neverland’s quality as a first-rate park were first made by Vernon Kindle, 12, who had spent a weekend at Jackson’s Ranch last year. “Michael said there were so many fun things to do, but all he had were some swings and a carousel and a Zipper. He must really like that one, though. He kept telling us we should ‘ride on his Zipper’ over and over, but it wasn’t that fun. He told some kids that the Happy Bouncy Bedtastic Funtime Ride was the best, but my parents took me home before I could do that one. I bet it wasn’t that great, either.”
Said Tocelyn Callahan of Texas, “it’s bad enough that he only has a bare minimum of rides, but the way they are run is atrocious. If you rewind the tape and watch the footage of the swinging ship, you can tell it’s on the lamest, most wimpy program imaginable. The versions at Coney Island and Indiana Beach flip up so that the ends of the boat are aimed straight down; Michael’s barely gets past the horizontal. He’s apparently the Prince of Chickens, too. Flat ride enthusiasts won’t be lining up to give their hard-earned cash to Neverland, I’ll tell you that much.”
Journalist Martin Bashir, who interviewed Jackson for the documentary, stated “I was honestly more concerned with Micahel’s disturbing relations with children, both his own and those who stay at the Ranch in his bed. But, now that you mention it, I was pretty disappointed in the rides, too. The swings were slow, the Zipper was pretty creaky and didn’t flip as well as the one at LeSourdsville, and I was kind of hoping the carousel would have something neat like a goat or a lion for me to ride on, but it didn’t. Michael kept saying that he wanted to get a roller coaster, but that won’t help me any, because he didn’t have one when I was doing the interview. I suppose I can pretty much assume I won’t be invited back anytime soon, so I guess I’ll miss out if he actually gets any rides that don’t suck ass.”
Jackson has issued a statement protesting Bashir’s comments, saying “today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone could sacrifice the trust I placed in him and make these terrible and unfair comments. Everyone who knows me knows the truth, and that is that the swings are very fast and the Zipper was sluggish only due to the weather. And I swear to you that the Pharaoh’s Fury ride is normally much more thrilling, but Martin insisted we put it on a mild setting so he wouldn’t get sick, then twisted the situation against me to taint my good name.”
Weeping uncontrollably, Jackson wailed that “the bad man hurt me, the bad man hurt me,” before running to curl up in a fetal position inside his oxygen tent with a tame family of marmots wearing berets.
Friday, February 14, 2003
Scandal Strands Dork Island
The new Fox reality series called Dork Island found itself embroiled in scandal almost before it began this week, when one of its contestants proved not to be nearly as dorky as he was contractually obligated to be.
As reported earlier by ARN&R, Dork Island is a show that features a diverse group of total wankers competing in a series of battles. Each week, dorks are voted off the island, and bullies administer wedgies and taunts to them. Ratings for the new show have shot through the roof, with the premiere garnering an amazing 34.5 Nielsen share.
The glitch in the show was discovered this week. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “everyone signed a contract expressly pledging total geekdom, in order that the show be as interesting as possible. While the majority of the Dork Island participants have proven truly dorkalicious, especially the vampire guy, computer games tester, and Star Wars doll collector, certain contestants were deemed unacceptable and removed from our show.”
Surprisingly, the geek removed from the reality series was none other than “Danny,” the coaster enthusiast. Preliminary Vegas odds listed Danny as a 2 to 1 shot to be named Master Nerd by the end of the show’s final Geek Council. “It turns out Danny really isn’t that much of a putz,” says Swank. “Danny has obviously had healthy relationships with other people, and does not focus a full one hundred percent of his efforts on roller coasters. While he does keep lists of favorite rides, and takes a two-week coaster vacation once per year, he just doesn’t have the level of total obsession we want. He’s married to an attractive young lady. He regularly joins friends for a drink or to watch basketball. He must have been laid before, because he and his wife have two kids. Even worse, while he does take his family to amusement parks, he also takes them for movies and goes to their soccer games and violin lessons. This is a fairly regular guy who has a kind of weird hobby. What we were promised is Doctor Doofmeister.”
Danny has already begun bashing the show for unfairness, stating that “they knew I was going to win, but they preferred playing up the tension between the Magic player and the D&D fan. It’s nothing but cheap shock tactics, and I am currently seeking council on whether to file a lawsuit.”
Fox announced today that Danny would be replaced on Dork Island by Corey Feldman.
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Hell Freezes Over
To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.
“What the hell is going on here, so to speak?” asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. “One minute, I’m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it’s 5 below zero and I’m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!”
After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, “I’ve got a trick knee and I can’t ski. And it’ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What’s a fiery Dark Lord to do?”
“Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,” lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. “Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie’s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.
[Editor’s Note: Don’t let Satan’s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Idiots Actually Think ARN&R Is Real
ARN&R was distressed today to learn that there still exist people who think the website has real amusement industry news. These people, labeled by experts as “babbling simpletons,” frequently send email to the site and post to message boards the opinion that the information on ARN&R is incorrect or misleading.
“The people running that site are idiots,” said one intellectual star, known to ThemeParkCritic and Coasterbuzz as SitNSpin, who has miraculously noted the lack of accuracy in ARN&R reports. “Usually their rumors are totally wrong. All they do is spread misleading things about parks and print the dumbest rumors. Like that article about new policies at Six Flags parks was so bull. My brother works at a Six Flags, so I know that’s totally not true. They also are stupid because they said Busch Gardens had the Applause Award taken from them and that Six Flags Astroworld is getting a second Vekoma SLC. Where do they hear this stupid crap? No one should believe any stuff they say.”
Even more moronic, according to experts, is MrBigEagle, who reached new realms of drooling stupidity by not only taking ARN&R reports seriously, but also actually going a step further and, incredibly enough, believing them. “Those hippie liberals at Amnesty International have gone too far this time, trying to protest Six Flags rides. Why don’t they get a life? But it’s good to see that my favorite theme park chain is still growing. That’s great that they made South Dakota into Six Flags Upper Midwest. I’ll be in line on opening day to show my support.” MrBigEagle then unexpectedly flew into a rage, snarling that “the Supreme Court decision on Superman:The Escape not being a coaster is such crud. Everyone I know thinks it’s a coaster. Those old farts wouldn’t know a coaster if it bit them in the ass.”
Some ARN&R detractors have even speculated that the site is wasting valuable online space that can never be recovered by mankind. States Rhodes Scholar Roarbaby, “Why anyone would want to run a site like that is beyond me, personally if you ask me it's a waste of webspace that could've been used to create a more informative & accurate site involving the amusement park industry.”
“This level of stupidity amazes me,” states leading New York brain surgeon Casper Goodspeed. “In our profession, we have a complicated medical term to adequately describe persons of such mental skill: ‘stupid f%s.’”
When last seen by reporters, MrBigEagle was busily rummaging through a used bookshop in search of an elusive copy of Maxim’s January ‘Babes of the Amusement Industry’ issue.
Bush Insults French Coasters
The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.
Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”
French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”
Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Parks and Enthusiasts Dissed By Academy
Excitement reigned in Hollywood today as nominations for the 75th Oscars were announced. The picks by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences created their usual share of controversy, however. Reginald B. Eubanks III, for one, was appalled by the Academy’s decisions. "It was, like, I was personally dissed. Those [arts and science] people don't know anything about good entertainment when they see it. I can't believe they didn’t nominate one theme park or theme park attraction!"
Enthusiasts worldwide seemed misled in their beliefs that somehow this year's 75th annual Academy picks would include theme parks and theme park rides and attractions. "I can't believe Cedar Point was not at the top of their list!" bellowed Thomas Hogwell of Grand Forks, Michigan. "Millennium Force should've been a shoe-in for Best Dramatic Leading Performer."
“Some of these picks are indeed a surprise,” stated E! News’s Jules Asner. Chicago was expected to gather many nods, but who would have thought The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Swept Away, and Eight Crazy Nights wouldn’t have gotten Best Picture consideration? Natalie Portman and Hayden Christenson not getting Best Supporting nominations for their superb rendering of dialogue in Attack of the Clones is deeply puzzling. And how could The Raven be overlooked for Best Coaster, Wood? Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah were both excellent, but Julianne Moore frankly doesn’t deliver the speed, airtime, and out of control thrill that the Raven does.”
Other amusement park lovers confessed shock and outrage. Said Dan Gordo, “I can’t believe Islands of Adventure was almost totally shut out of the nominations. Road to Perdition had a great score, but everything else nominated in that category was vastly inferior to the IOA soundtrack, particularly the part you hear in the Lost Continent area. And Cat in the Hat has Best Live Action Short written all over it. Well, at least Spiderman got the one nom for Visual Effects.” Upon learning that the Best Visual Effects nomination had gone to the movie of Spiderman rather than the ride, Gordo reportedly screamed and bashed his head through a wall.
"Jeepers," exclaimed 14-year-old Porter Everton, "this is the first year ever I will be allowed to stay up that late even to watch the event, but now I don't care. Those [Academy] people suck." Paramount parkgoer Jeremy Mac noted, "XLC could've at least gotten the shoe-in with Best Supporting Buttress." [Editor’s note: It is interesting that Mr. Everton would phrase his dismay in such fashion, as Jeepers Parks failed to receive any nominations, either, most surprising considering the fact that they built a Faces of Death-themed kiddie coaster this season.]
Sources close to ARN&R report that many amusement industry bigwigs have concluded the Academy of Arts and Sciences has no idea what it is doing. Walter Bolliger is alleged to have said, "Anyone who has ever ridden Alpengeist knows what Best Design is all about. Those [Academy] people know nothing."
Corporate reaction to the news was mixed. Six Flags President and CEO Roger Finterspoon furiously attacked the Academy in verbal repartee, "Damn you [Academy] guys! Damn you all to heck! I've got thirty-five parks worldwide and not one of them was nominated for a single thing! Not even a nod for Best Foreign Theme Park!" However, Disney, which has won numerous Academy Awards in the past, had no comment, except to express disappointment that Christopher Walken’s nomination was for Catch Me If You Can rather than The Country Bears.”
Monday, February 10, 2003
Eastcoaster Ruined By Hot Chick
Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.
Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”
The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.
Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”
Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”
According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:
-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.
As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.
New Coaster Coasters To Be Unveiled
Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”
"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."
Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.
"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."
"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."
[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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