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Saturday, February 08, 2003
Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend Finally Caught
Pealing church bells and shots from cannons punctuated the tremendous number of street celebrations led by enthusiastic ACE members today, as news was leaked that the infamous European Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend was finally caught. INTERPOL officials used a battering ram to obtain entrance to a Paris hotel room occupied on vacation by Rhode Island ACE member Jason Maxwell, 45. According to American government officials, Maxwell will be brought to the United States for trial as early as the beginning of next week.
“This is a day that will long be remembered,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “After being affronted by this not-so-suave international villain the entire two-week trip, we will now have the chance to see justice done. No one should be allowed to make others sit in proximity to an odor so abominable it blisters paint and wilts nose hairs.”
ACE member Phil Wright told ARN&R a sad story of terror and woe echoed by most other enthusiasts interviewed. “Just imagine sitting on a bus with dozens of sweaty, minimally-washed enthusiasts, trekking from park to park. Bad enough, right? Now, try to picture what happens when some guy, whom we call The Bathroom Fiend, keeps slipping into the little bus bathroom to do number two. Let me assure you, when the air conditioning gives out and someone’s unleashed the gruesome toxic stench of three days of hot dogs, Mickey D’s, and Mueslix into a little tin can, it’s a horror worse than death.”
“I was always trying to cram one last ride in, which usually stuck me right at the back of that nasty bus when we left,” said Alice Templeton. “Some jerk just obliterated that little bathroom twice a day, and we never caught him. There are bathrooms in every park and hotel, and those have soap and fresh water, too. Why would anyone feel the need to leave the group just to come stink up our vehicle like it's a hog farm? I mean, it smelled like frickin’ Gary, Indiana back there!”
Maxwell may face serious charges in the United States once he comes before a judge. Said President George W. Bush, “we will not tolerate the possessionation of biological weapons, and Jason Maxwell’s use of more than three metric tons of methane agents means that he is a serious and deadlious figure that we must deal with harshly and with hasteness, to preventify others from imposing their smells upon lovers of freedom.”
When asked for comment, Maxwell refused to answer, except to say that he “meant to light a match.”
Friday, February 07, 2003
Snow Thwarts Enthusiast
Though many residents of the northeastern US are enjoying a day off from work or school due to the substantial snowfall in the region, one coaster enthusiast is not so pleased.
Said Gary Morris, a twenty-year-old coaster fan from Perth Amboy, New Jersey, “this is quite simply a disaster. I run a really important website called Xtreme Shorecoaster, which focuses on the seaside parks of New Jersey. I’ve been driving down to Casino Pier in Seaside Heights every day to get pictures of all the construction there. All the loyal readers of my site will be pretty upset if I don’t follow up on the promise in my manifesto to ‘give you the latest and greatest scoop on construction for Casino Pier’s new Wisdom Moby Dick and Zamperla Rockin’ Tug every single day.’ My mom’s house is totally snowed in, and I’ll never be able to get to Seaside Heights today to get any daylight pictures of the L&T Mini Coaster. I’m screwed, man.”
Looking up and raising his hands toward the sky, Morris added, “Why, God? Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?”
Experts note that Morris may have no reason to fear that he is letting his fans down, as he has an average of seventeen hits per week to Xtreme Shorecoaster, approximately the same number as ARN&R receives. The same experts also note that Morris “might like to hang out with friends once in a while, or even talk to a pretty girl if he feels up to it.”
[Correspondent’s Note: We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that we are not fulfilling our promise to make this website primarily jokes about how we are all drunks. With that in mind, we apologize and offer the following: A ham and cheese sandwich who works for ARN&R walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."]
Thursday, February 06, 2003
Thrillride! Back Online; Panic Ensues Amongst Crappy Coaster Websites
Baltimore coaster enthusiast Darren Carr has a major project due at work this afternoon, but instead of completing his work, he is performing a task he considers more important. Carr is busy reorganizing his webpage bookmarks on Internet Explorer.
“Thrillnetwork. Gone. Themparkcritic.com. Gimmee a break. Coasterbuzz. What was I thinking? The Coaster Underground. Buh-bye.”
Carr is estimated to have deleted over 350 links to amusement park-related sites this morning alone, though he is far from done. “It’s just so easy, all of a sudden. I was so upset when Thrillride vanished, I basically bookmarked every single coaster site ever created in a desperate quest to find something interesting to read. I doubt I’ve visited ninety percent of these crap sites more than once. Lord, over twenty of them are on Geocities! Most are completely illegible and have pictures stolen from other websites. Now that Thrillride is back, there’s finally one site that uses fluent English, has a professional look, and features real news and good reviews.” Carr then returned to the laborious process of removing worthless sites like Coaster Land from his list.
Carr is far from alone. According to experts, thousands of coaster enthusiasts are following his lead and removing scores of useless and poorly written coaster fansites from their computers. But not everyone is happy with the return of Thrillride. In fact, owners of these terrible sites, which rushed to fill the two-year Thrillride void, are downright upset. Says G Force Coaster Site webmaster Joseph Foerster, “this is really unfortunate. Bob Coker may think he’s just returning to a popular website with exciting articles, fun features, and inside info, but I doubt he’s given the slightest thought to how it’s going to affect websites that butcher the English language, steal pictures from other sites, and post really stupid opinions.” Foerster added that he “might be forced to quit running a crap coaster site and do a Jennifer Love Hewitt fanpage instead.”
It’s now 12:30, and Darren Carr has completed the reorganization of his bookmarks. “Yep, that’s it. I’ve finally got it cut down to everything I need: Screamscape, Thrillride, Rollercoaster Database, and the Trip Report. Six hundred seventy-three awful sites gone. I still can’t decide whether to leave ARN&R on the bookmarks, though. They’re kind of funny, but once in a while, the information they post isn’t entirely accurate.”
Webmaster of StrataCoasterThrillz.com Sues Earthlink, Apple Computer.
Hans Scheisskopf, webmaster of StrataCoasterThillz.com, announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against the nation's second largest Internet Service Provider, Earthlink, and Apple Computer, claiming that their “anti pop up technology” was forcing him to go bankrupt.
Mr. Scheisskopf was quoted as saying “It’s very simple, the pop-up ads are there to annoy the hell out of visitors to my site in order to force them to spend $20 on my K00l K0a5ters Klub so they can get a paper card in return. They get the same benefits as people withpop-up ads, except they get a pop-up free version of the site, and a little 2x3 card professing their love for stratacoasterthrillz.com! By Earthlink providing every customer with anti-pop up tools and Apple Computer building into their new browser anti-pop up code, they are forcing me to have to sell my BMW 7 series and just settle for a BMW 5 series, which is totally unacceptable! They need to compensate me for my losses!”
When it was pointed out that not everyone could afford $20 to join a “k0a5ter klub” Mr. Scheisskopf violently flung feces at ARN&R's reporter, yelling “Nein! You are stealing from me!” After the reporter's protest, Scheisskopf pointed to an obscure point in his site's terms of service that expressly granted the site's owner permission to throw feces or other bodily fluids or substances at anyone questioning the value of the Klub.
Representatives for Apple Computer and Earthlink were not immediately available for comment.
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
American Coaster Enthusiasts Earn Rare Honor
Tuesday was a proud day for the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as they were granted a rare and distinguished honor. This morning, ACE was presented with only the third Lifetime Membership Award by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). Aside from being part of a very special group, ACE has the added distinction of being the first organization so honored.
IFOCE is a group dedicated to the promotion of competitive eating, a sport that features contests of gustatory endurance, volume, and speed. Professional “gurgitators” earn up to $50,000 in various sanctioned world contests, and the group hopes to achieve Olympic recognition and televised national tours to showcase the athletic achievements of IFOCE members.
Says IFOCE chairman George Shea, 38, “It’s the sport of Everyman…everyone eats, so everyone understands the athletic ability needed to eat enormous quantities of food in a short period of time.”
Shea added that “the Federation could think of no person or group more worthy of spreading our ideals of face-stuffing, shark-like feeding frenzy, and hypergluttony than the American Coaster Enthusiasts. At the 2001 CoasterCon at Hersheypark, 200 members of ACE polished off the amount of breakfast one morning that would normally serve 600. Then, while they were waiting for an ERT session to begin, some members broke into the ice cream stands and cabinets, polishing off every single crumb and ketchup packet Hershey owned. This year, Wild Adventures had a regional event, and they were forced to slaughter 103 pigs, 45 cattle, 213 chickens, and the entire Petting Zoo to keep ACE members from feasting upon the ride operators. And finally, despite the fact that ACE members decimated the sheep herd around The Ultimate on this year’s European Coaster Odyssey, not a single member suffered the shame of what we call a ‘food reversal.’ That’s skill, that’s class, and that’s good reason for this honor.”
ACE officers could not be located for comment, as apparently someone with the organization let the lease run out or forgot to pay rent or some such crap, resulting in the group having a temporary phone number and address in a battered outhouse somewhere in Kansas or something.
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
Everyone Keeps Ripping Off ARN&R, Sources Report
As reported by sources at ARN&R to the staff of ARN&R, everyone is apparently ripping off ideas and stories from ARN&R.
The first rippers-off were none other than the employees of the legendary satirical publication The Onion, sources claim. This week’s edition of The Onion has an article titled “U.N. Orders Wonka to Submit to Chocolate Factory Inspections.” While national humor experts label the article “damn funny,” several prominent scholars note a “disturbing” similarity between it and an article which appeared on ARN&R almost two months ago.
A more disturbing swiping of high-falutin’ concepts occurred this week, when, following what popular culture experts call an “amazingly silly ARN&R article” about coaster reality shows, the Discovery Network announced plans for just such a “craptastic” real life show, a one-hour reality TV documentary called Thrill Rides: Put to the Test.
A management representative of ARN&R stated in a press conference that ARN&R would have pursued litigation for unintellectual property theft, except that “we have decided to let the matter slide, as we really want to see our Beast thongs appear some day on a Discovery Network special, and our writing style appears, on rare occasions, to be just the tiniest, ever so slightly bit reminiscent of the style used for The Onion.”
As ARN&R appears to be the groundbreaking force in popular culture this week, the staff urges Six Flags New England not to blatantly steal our suggestion that they “use fire hoses to blast pressurized raw human waste at patrons.” Please.
Sunday, February 02, 2003
PTC to Branch Out
Tom Rebbie of Philadelphia Toboggan Coasters has invited ACE back to the PTC factory on the 10th Anniversary of the original ACE tour in 1993, and many enthusiasts are wondering what, if anything, will be announced at the tour. Rumors have been swirling furiously around the town of Lansdale, Pennsylvania, that there is big news regarding a totally new direction for the company long involved in wide-ranging aspects of roller coaster design and construction. In recent years, the company has restricted its business to building roller coaster trains.
But now, there is big news, ARN&R can exclusively confirm. Tom Rebbie has noticed how the new Chrysler PT Cruisers have performed in sales over their first couple years, and the growth of sales of suburban utility vehicles has been well documented. Apparently, PTC believes that there is room for one more manufacturer in the US automotive industry! Dubbed the PTC Cruiser, it's a hybrid roller coaster train/automobile that "offers all the luxurious accommodations that coaster enthusiasts have come to love in our trains, and all the benefits of an SUV," according to Rebbie in an interview. Draft company promotional literature reveals that the PTC Cruiser will seat six, two per row in three rows.
Featuring an airbag in each row and well-padded seats with dividers, the vehicles will weigh approximately 2.2 tons apiece. The vehicles will get about 8 miles per gallon in the city and 12 on the highway, but considerably more on downhill inclines.
"What really makes our cars unique," said Rebbie, "is that they can be coupled together just like our coaster trains, perfect for those big family vacations! Furthermore, they are approved by the federal government to run on standard train tracks, since the undercarriage features wheels of appropriate dimensions accessible when the tires are removed. These are the vehicles of the 21st century."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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