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Friday, January 24, 2003
Studies: Six Flags "Way More Funner" Than Other Amusement Parks
The two most comprehensive studies to date of the "funness" of amusement park chains has reached a strong conclusion that Six Flags parks are "way more funner" than any other amusement park chain, and "totally better" than any independent park, the park chain announced today in a press release.
"Today, real science has been heard," said Gary Story, President and COO of Six Flags. "We'd heard the claims of unscientific enthusiasts and others that parks like Cedar Point or Kennywood might be more funner than our parks, or maybe even the most funnest. But we got the experts to look at it, and now we can share the truth. We're the funnest! And our food is the goodest, too, but that's a different study."
“I have analyzed the data. I have studied the science,” said Dr. Rhea Rutner, a podiatrist, former short-order cook, and mother of four children, at the press release to announce the "funness" findings. “I am a foot doctor and I am a mother of four children. I know, without a doubt, that Six Flags rules over other parks. Did I mention that I'm a mother of four children? I am.”
Rutner and the other lead scientists on the studies appearing at the press conference had bundles of twenty-dollar bills visibly straining the seams of their pockets. "That? Oh, that's just the, um, honorarium Six Flags gave us for heading up the study. Nothing for you to worry about."
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Enthusiast’s Friends Labeled “Total Bastards”
This afternoon, Ralph Hunter and Jenny Hoover, a Spokane, Washington couple, were startled to learn that their good friend, Arkansas coaster lover Travis Edgerton, had recently claimed that they were “total bastards.”
“I don’t understand,” said Hoover. “Travis and Ralph have been really great friends for almost seven years…ever since they were in a junior college music appreciation class together in Pensacola. I don’t remember them ever fighting. In fact, he was supposed to be an usher at our wedding this coming October. We’re pretty upset.”
Edgerton remains unapologetic. “Oh, they can pretend they don’t understand why I’m mad at their pathetic, loser, bastard selves, but they know what’s up. Okay, look, they live like one hour from Silverwood Park. They know damn well I’m an enthusiast. So do they have their wedding in May or June like any normal people? No! They plan it for October, when the park is closed. They really expect me to drop that much coin going to the Pacific Northwest when Tremors isn’t even open? What a pack of cretins.”
Hunter and Hoover have stated that they will not consider moving the wedding date, nor renting the park for a private reception in order that Edgerton can “ride his stupid thing.”
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Great Escape To Become Six Flags Northeastern New York
Great Escape park announced today its plans to upgrade its facilities in expectation of becoming a Six Flags park. Although owned for the past several years by Six Flags, the park has generally been thought not to have the necessary rides, size, or infrastructure to be branded a full Six Flags venue. All that will change next season when Great Escape morphs into Six Flags Northeastern New York.
Says Six Flags President Gary Story, “We’re delighted to announce Six Flags Northeastern New York. Every year, we’ve told the Great Escape that, in order to be branded as a full property, they have to make changes in order to be truly deserving of the coveted and respected Six Flags corporate name. This past season, we did note some progress along these lines. For instance, Great Escape has long been a haven for those who wish to avoid long lines. Well, this season, the place was just packed to the gills on most operating days, with lines stretching for up to a mile. Also, the park made sure to get the positive attention of Six Flags Corporate by running single trains on every single coaster, despite the massive lines this caused. Theme Park Mentality and large crowds of hot, irritated visitors are qualities we look for when labeling a park ‘Six Flags.’”
Story went on to note, “sadly, Great Escape wasn’t ready for the conversion yet in 2002, despite those capacity issues. For instance, they offer free parking. What the hell? Their bathrooms are generally tidy, the paths aren’t covered with human waste, there are lots of pleasant shady places to escape the hot sun, park staff are usually competent and pleasant, and there are cute little Storybook sections that don’t demand any extra fee. We told the park, flat out, that all this nonsense has to change.”
Great Escape manager Tom Spikowsky stated in his press release that “Great Escape was working hard to address all the parent company’s concerns,” and that he prayed daily that “his park could reach the lofty heights of such amusement destinations as Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, Six Flags America, and Six Flags Fiesta Texas.”
Spikowsky elaborated with the following comments: “We plan to soil each bathroom with unspeakable filth each morning, even dedicating a special work force of our special foreign staff to the task, and then refuse to do any cleaning all day. We will charge 15 dollars for parking, and an extra 4 dollars for the pavement. Stores will no longer offer affordable souvenirs and shirts, but will instead sell generic, overpriced crap smeared with Warner Brothers characters. We will now require all ride operators to not only ratchet passengers as tightly in their seats as possible, but also to savagely knee each of them in the groin as they enter the station. All trees will be burned to the ground, and children will pay a 40-dollar upcharge to pet the goat.”
New themes will also be evident at SFNNY. ARN&R has learned that Boomerang Coast to Coaster will be renamed Flashback, Alpine Bobsled will be renamed Penguin’s Blizzard River, and Steamin’ Demon will become Batman Ultimate Knight Escape. The extensive new theming will consist of freshly painted signs with the new ride names on them. The legendary Comet wood coaster will maintain its name, but will receive typical Six Flags improvements such as trim brakes, over the shoulder restraints, and anal probes.
The final mission of SFNNY is to alter its clientele to better reflect the sort of crowd Six Flags patrons are accustomed to experiencing. Says Spikowsky, “we plan to offer inexpensive switchblades, broken bottles, and bricks to customers at the entrance. Our Bugs Bunny and Foghorn Leghorn mascots will be paid bonuses to catcall and harass women inside the Arno’s Small World kiddie area. Finally, Nightmare at Crackaxle Canyon will be renamed Nightmare at Crack Whore Canyon.”
Monday, January 20, 2003
National Tragedy Strikes as Enthusiasts "Dance"
In a national horror the likes of which has not been seen since the release of "Y-M-C-A" into the hands of stadium P.A. staff, the increasing popularity of the arcade and home game known as "Dance Dance Revolution" (or "DDR") has brought the nation to a standstill as right-thinking people everywhere stare in shock at the rhythmless, writhing pale bodies of coaster enthusiasts jerking randomly to blaring techno music.
"It was a travesty," said Cyndi Hengst, a hotel manager in Houston, Texas, speaking through sobs, who witnessed DDR at a winter enthusiast event at Six Flags Astroworld. "I've seen things you can't unsee. I just wanted to ride the Cyclone. But this was a terror...the bodies, the movement, the jiggling..." Hengst broke down in tears.
The disaster apparently began at CoasterBuzz, where dozens of pallid participants, panting at the first hint of physical exertion and reduced to exhaustion within minutes of beginning a DDR session, discussed their enjoyment of DDR, even posting pictures so terrifying we won't post images of them here. (Parents, please use your discretion in permitting your children to visit this site, and please note that ARN&R takes no responsibility if the images on the site violate any laws or regulations in your jurisdiction.)
Most disturbingly, ARN&R has learned that the plague of DDR machines will continue to spread at amusement parks nationwide, with enthusiasts developing dancing "skills" that they will never, ever, ever actually have occasion to use in the sense of actually dancing with another human being. Indeed, the trend is likely to increase the civilization-ending trend of naked dancing in front of the mirror to blaring renditions of "Rollercoaster of Love." Experts say DDR is likely to result in unspeakable nightmares for ordinary citizens standing in line for Raptor at Cedar Point, as enthusiasts get down with their bad selves, dancing to the in-line music.
In related news, amusement parks report a fifty percent increase in applications from sixteen-year-olds who want to design coasters, citing their extensive experience playing Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Exclusive Breaking News
Cedar Point is still cleverly claiming that its new coaster will last a mere fifteen seconds and follow a simple -- even boring -- route. But ARN&R can exclusvely confirm that this picture is what will, in fact, appear when the park opens, confirming what the best-informed people said earlier in the fall.
Remember, you heard it here first.
And Jeeper's in Olathe, Kansas, is still slated to get the next B&M flying coaster.
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