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Saturday, January 18, 2003
Discovery Network Announces "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles"
Adding to the Discovery Network's extensive series of shows about amusement parks, network management announced the channel's next special: "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles."
Featuring an in-depth look at the wide world of turnstiles, the program -- spanning three hours over as many days -- will open with a 45-minute history of turnstiles, followed by what the program's director, Michael Cimino, describes as "the fastest, wildest, most incredible look at turnstiles in the history of shows about turnstiles." The highlight of the show, according to Cimino, is a seven-minute uninterrupted tracking shot in which viewers are taken on a point-of-view trip through every one of Cedar Point's entrance turnstiles. "It's just like Touch of Evil!" exclaimed Cimino.
Members of the American Turnstile Enthusiasts appear throughout the program; most insist that Cedar Point's turnstiles are clearly the best in the world, while a small but vocal minority prefer the "classic" turnstiles at Denver's Lakeside Park.
At press time, pre-orders of the DVD were the third-highest-selling program on Amazon.com's travel section. The program will air on three days, yet to be announced, during the competitive February sweeps.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Six Flags Marine World to Also Get Astrodome, Parking Lot, Three Astros to be Named Later
In surprising news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced that Six Flags Marine World, outside San Francisco, would not just be getting the Schwarzkopf classic Zonga (nee Texas Tornado, nee Taz's Texas Tornado, nee Thriller) from Six Flags Astroworld in Houston, Texas. It'll also get the nearly-abandoned Astrodome, the enormous parking lot surrounding the stadium, and three members of the Astros Major League baseball team to be named later.
"We were busy taking the coaster apart when we looked across the interstate and saw the Astrodome, just sitting there all lonely," said Bob Warner, head of the crew tasked with moving the coaster. "It was hosting a monster truck rally or something, which just seemed wrong. So we figured we'd throw that into the deal, too; it'll be much happier in California. And once we pulled up the stadium, the parking lot just seemed like a natural addition, 'cause Marine World will want somewhere to put all the people the Astrodome will attract."
The domed stadium -- the first of its kind -- is expected to be placed immediately inside the park's entrance and will serve as the photo keepsake sales booth.
As for how professional baseball players became part of the deal, details are sketchy, but rumors suggest that it is related to a controversial players-for-Dippin'-Dots-Ice-Cream-of-the-Future trade. Speculation has focused on right-fielder Lance Berkman, shortstop Julio Lugo, and possibly a utility infielder from the Astros' minor league organization as likely candidates to be sent to California, where they are expected to be assigned to maintenance or season ticket sales.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Thrillnetwork.com Still Online, Shocking Enthusiasts at or Above a Fourth-Grade Reading Level
In news that surprised coherent enthusiasts throughout the world, Thrillnetwork.com is still online, and seemingly continues operations, evidently believing itself to be relevant.
"Seriously? That site's still up? That's incredible," said Detroit-area college-educated enthusiast Mike Herrington. "You're kidding, right?"
After closing twelve popup ads and reloading three times to resolve ASP scripting errors, ARN&R can confirm, in an exclusive investigative report, that the site is indeed up, despite widespread disbelief among enthusiasts capable of carrying on a conversation about any book without the word "thrill" in its title. The front page offers links to articles available only at thirty or more other coaster-oriented sites, along with the siren call of a link: "Click here for a PHP script to make this do something!" Additionally, the site's forums continue to operate with upwards of thirty people active at any given time, at least one of whom is capable of forming a complete sentence.
There may, indeed, be even more available on the site, but even the most intrepid investigative reporter couldn't say for sure, given the site's labrynthine navigation. The search engine has been "taken offline for tweaking," rendering further investigation difficult.
Reached for comment, the site's management declared: "We is the site for the rest of us, them who can't really write or talk so good."
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Pinpoint Park Announces Non–Thrill Ride
Sandrusty, PA – Pinpoint Park, just outside Pittsburgh, announced today that the park would be unveiling a non-thrill ride called: No Thrills Dasher. The non–thrill ride will take riders to a soaring 12 feet into the air. Termed the world's first "starter coaster," No Thrills Dasher will amaze guests with its 0 to 8 mph in-less-than-a-second launch speed.
At a cost of $2.50 U.S. dollars, No Thrills Dasher will be the cheapest attraction in the park. No Thrills Dasher promises to be the absolute slowest and most boring attraction since 1914 when Pinpoint Park added the Non-Rotating Carousel to its repartee. In 1998 Pinpoint Park announced the opening of the worlds first ‘ride-till-you-die' attraction: "Gravy Boat." Sad to say, due to the high maintenance cost of keeping the gravy free from bacterial contamination, the attraction never opened.
Darts Inc, the makers of such unknown rides as: Ride This & Weep; You Spin Me ‘Round; and Vouge, created this once in a lifetime snooze of an attraction. "You will yawn the whole time," stated Pinpoint Park CEO Brad Fisherman. "There is no way you'll return home and not mention just how bad this attraction is. No Thrills Dasher will become world renowned!"
Enthusiasts all around the globe have been hitting up the not legally licenced, fan based website: guidetothepinpoint.com where visitors can view true to life, 3-dimensional, without-the-glasses, holographic representations of the ride. [Due to such extreme heavy traffic, guidetothepinpoint.com may be experiencing technical difficulties - Ed.]
"I've ridden No Thrills Dasher 175 times in a row!!" exclaims teen enthusiast Rorey Benderfinder, "The site is totally, bogusly, awesome!" No plans have been announced for Rorey to actually visit Pinpoint Park in the future, "but, I would visit their website a heck of a lot more often if they keep offering non-thrill rides such as this."
The actual No Thrills Dasher may or may not open this May.
Monday, January 13, 2003
New Law: All Amusement Park Rides Must Be Xtreme
As the United States Congress reconvenes, many issues loom which will be of great importance to the country, including such problems as the economy and possible war with Iraq. None has a greater impact on the future of the planet than amusement parks, however, which is why the Senate has given highest priority this week to create a resolution banning each and every US amusement ride that is not Xtreme.
Said Orrin Hatch (R-UT), "In order to reflect the Xtreme power and fortitude of this proud country, the Senate will put into effect new regulations banning any new non-Xtreme rides, and will order the demolition of all current rides that are not Xtreme. Parks will be given one month to make existing rides conform to Xtremeness standards." Hatch then bungi-jumped naked from the Capitol rotunda with a can of Mountain Dew, most of which spattered on the head of a visibly miffed John McCain (R-AZ).
"Yeah, this is gonna be some totally kick-ass Xtreme law!" yelled Arlen Specter (R-PA), prior to giving the "secret devil sign metal" sign with his hands and turning to share a savage NBA-style chest bump with deposed majority leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Earlier in the day, Lott had caused a commotion by showing up for work in blackface and demanding the repeal of the Voting Rights Act.
"It was only a matter of time before this law was passed," stated Tom Daschle (D-SD). "Other sectors of the economy have already adjusted successfully to their new-found Xtremitude. Movies now have to be Xtreme, like XXX or Extreme Ops, though we would prefer that movie to have dropped the troublesome 'e' from the title. Every toy now manufactured must be Xtreme. Ohio's Hiram College offers an Extreme Education. The food industry is also finally complying...for instance, at Burger King you can get an Xtreme chicken sandwich, which is Xtreme because it has lettuce. Or you can be Xtreme by drinking Dew, just like those inspiring submorons who skateboard off cliffs behind powerboats. Then there's the Xtreme quesadilla at Taco Bell, which is extreme because it has 2 kinds of processed cheese food product."
Daschle added that "things also tend to get pretty Xtreme for me in the bathroom after I eat an Xtreme Taco Bell quesadilla!"
Some parks have complained about the regulations. Says spokesman David Whiteside of Six Flags Magic Mountain, "we are very upset by his rule. We had a totally, completely, and stunningly unique idea to name a coaster 'X'. No one has ever named a ride anything remotely like that before. We anticipate tremendous loss of income due to people thinking other rides are more Xtreme than ours, which is not the case. We will vehemently protest this decision."
Knott's Berry Farm (Xcelerator), Six Flags Worlds of Adventure (X-Flight), and other parks also are protesting that their highly unique, non-trendy, and creative coaster names are being rendered non-cutting edge, perhaps even non-extreme, by the ruling.
Smaller parks also worry over the changes they may need to enact. Says Paul Fletcher of Kennywood, "I guess if we gave the rats some inline skates and some Jackass videos, we could just change Exterminator to XXXterminator and be okay. However, I don't know if we have the money to turn Jack Rabbit into Death Rabbit Xtreme Hell Challenge or whatever. Maybe we'll just rename the coasters X-Racer, Xtreme Jack, XT-Bolt, and Phantom's Skysurfing Revenge and see if the government will be content with that."
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Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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