Six Flags Finds Billion Dollars

In an announcement that company spokespeople insisted had nothing whatsoever to do with the recent collapse of its stock price, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. issued a press release today informing the investing public that it had "found" roughly one billion dollars.

"It was the wildest thing," said Gary Story, chain COO. "This one guy who's run the Dippin' Dots stand at The Great Escape for the past three seasons had never quite learned how to turn in his till at the end of the day, and nobody ever noticed. Well, he finally called in sick one day and the person who took his place told us he'd found a lot of money stuffed in the cash register. And, since Dippin' Dots is pretty much free to make -- you know, one part cow urine, one part sugar, and a whole lotta dry ice -- that's pretty much pure profit. You hear that, Wall Street -- profit! From us!"

Company accountants counted the money carefully and determined that the stand had collected $1.05 billion dollars over the past three years. "It's been pretty hot here," said Great Escape food service manager Katherine Danke in an interview with Gary Story standing directly behind her. "For, um, three years. And there have been some serious lines there at the Dippin' Dots booth, and I don't need to remind you that Dippin' Dots is the ice cream of the future."

Six Flags's stock price was up 85% on the news.

In what we are certain is completely and totally unrelated news, thirty-four banks in a ten-mile radius around Six Flags's corporate offices in Oklahoma City reported being robbed by criminals dressed in Time Warner cartoon character outfits, with a total loss of just over one billion dollars.

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