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Friday, July 18, 2003
 
Paramount Executives Baffled By Online Survey Responses

The results of an online survey, sponsored by Paramount Parks, designed to give Paramount executives some idea of the types of rides and attractions that guests would like to see at Paramount's theme parks are beginning to pour in. Paramount executives have been quite shocked by the survey responses so far, to say the least.

Execs have been puzzled by the survey responses from start to finish beginning with the very first set of questions that asks users to rate leisure time activities on a scale of 'extreme dislike' to 'extreme like.' It seems that most survey respondents 'extremely like' 'going to a restaurant', 'playing home video games', 'visiting a theme park' and 'sleeping.'

Other activities, however, are getting nothing but 'extreme dislike' rankings by survey respondents. Activities like 'spending time with friends', 'going to a friend's house', 'hanging out with boyfriend/girlfriend', 'going to a party', 'playing sports', 'going on a date' and 'working' apparently don't rate at all with Paramount guests. Paramount execs are beginning to worry that all of their theme park guests are anti-social introverts with low self-esteem and no friends.

Also somewhat surprisingly, the activity rated 'least liked' by survey takers thus far is 'exercising/working out.' Paramount execs were also very stunned to learn that many survey respondents 'would rather stay indoors than go out.' Execs had assumed that most guests must like exercising since they most likely spend a lot of time walking around in theme parks and they must enjoy getting outside so that they can visit theme parks.

The shock did not end there though. Paramount execs were further astonished to learn that, when asked 'what would you like to see at Paramount Parks', most survey respondents answered that they would like to see 'more buffet style restaurants with lots of free gravy', 'much, much longer seat belts on roller coasters and drop rides that will hold bigger people in' and 'more pretty girl ride attendants with big hooters.' Execs had incorrectly assumed that most guests would probably like to see an expensive new thrill ride or a fancy new pyrotechnics laden show.

Paramount execs were just about floored to learn that survey respondents felt that theme park attendance has dropped off over the past few years because of 'Rockford Files reruns on TV-Land' and 'an increase in broadband access for coaster enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time.' Execs did not know how to react to those responses at all.

Finally, execs were just flabbergasted after reading responses to what survey respondents felt that theme parks could do in order to get people back to the parks. Respondents overwhelmingly answered 'only build roller coasters from now on', 'offer ACE members more free stuff and more ERT', 'don't let those bastard general public people in so much' and 'MORE FREE GRAVY! I already told you that!'

Obviously, Paramount execs are beginning to feel that their survey has been an incredible waste of time and money.

ARN&R reporters keenly noted that the Paramount Parks survey responses started trending this way shortly after a link to the online survey appeared in a thread on rec.roller-coaster. Coaster enthusiasts around the world continue to discredit any connection between the two events and insist that it is all purely one big coincidence, as they fully and accurately reflect the views of every right-thinking person everywhere.

--JWS

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