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Tuesday, July 15, 2003
CoasterBuzz Club to Formalize Hazing, Add Branding; New Slogan Also Announced
In a widely-distributed press release, CoasterBuzz announced today that its successful club will formalize its already well-established brutal hazing practices as well as add branding of new members.
New members will now undergo a five-day hazing ritual complete with portly robed elder members slapping them repeatedly (with frequent breaks for the elders to catch their breath), forced gravy chugging, and wrapping up new members in twin-bed sheets (all too commonly available amongst members) and soaking them in Kool-Aid. "We might work on that last ritual. It sorta sucks," said owner Jeff Putz. "Maybe some of the frats at Ohio State have some ideas for us."
Additionally, new members will, at the end of the five-day ritual, receive a five-inch-diameter brand on their left buttock. According to Putz, the brand will replace the Club's membership card for admission to events. "It's a lot easier for us -- because, really, who's going to forget to bring their ass to an event?" The branding, performed with a red-hot cattle brand at the Club's events, will be included for free with membership.
In related news, CoasterBuzz announced its new slogan: "People Like It Here Because We're Funnier and Smarter Than They Are."
In an enormous en masse interview, a group made up of every member who spends an inordinate amount of time posting inordinately long messages all dedicated to how cool they are stated that the slogan simply reflects reality. "We are funnier and smarter than the people at every other enthusiast site," said the group of inordinate users in unison. "People like us. On this site, anyway; elsewhere, not so much. All those who are not us should bow down and not seek to engage us in debate, because, as we may have mentioned, we are funnier and smarter than they are."
The new members' brand will have the new slogan, slightly modified to read: "I like it at CoasterBuzz because they are funnier and smarter than I am. Love me. Please, love me. No, really. I could use a hug."
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We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.