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Friday, July 18, 2003
 
ARN&R Editor to be Flogged After Two-Week Trip Yields No New Coaster Credits

ARN&R's Dictator for Life today announced that he would voluntarily submit to a five-minute flogging after a two-week vacation resulted in only one coaster ridden. "I was in Northern California for two weeks and failed to visit a single major amusement park, despite the fact that I have never been to Six Flags Marine World, Bonfante Gardens, or Parmount's Great America. My single evening at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is admittedly pathetic," he said in an interview. "I suck," he added.

Reports indicate that Bonfante Gardens was on the planned itinerary but, in a stunning confusion of priorities, the editor chose to remain at a Monterey playground with his children, considering their obvious delight in the genuine locomotive there to somehow be more important than driving an hour for a park that his children might or might not enjoy.

"It's amazing," said ACE Grand Princess for All Eternity Carole Sanderson. "How he could possibly put something like the sheer enjoyment of free time on a sunny afternoon in a playground over a chance to get on a coaster -- and with those kids in tow, I bet he could get on all the kiddie rides too -- is beyond me. We'll be kicking him out promptly." Sanderson expressed similar disgust with the decision to visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, a San Francisco Giants game, and the Bay Area Discovery Center. "Art? Sports? Educational children's activities? Pshaw," she said with contempt.

Exclusive investigative reporting has revealed that, while at the Beach Boardwalk, the editor failed to even ride either of the coasters present besides the Giant Dipper, even though he could have ridden the kiddie coaster with his four-year-old who, showing a similar lack of judgment, asked for another ride on the Pirate Ship instead of the roller coaster.

The four-year-old has been banned from ACE membership for life.

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