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Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Sneetch Pox Outbreak Traced to Islands of Adventure

Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."

Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.

"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"

Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.

"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.


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