Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Thursday, June 26, 2003
First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Con a Spectacular Success
Day One

Amid much hand wringing and flop sweating, the good folks at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors managed to pull off their First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Con without a hitch. With the kind of success the event had in its very first try, we can almost certainly expect this to be an annual treat. ARN&R here features an exclusive report on the exciting event; due to our superb connections in the industry, and amongst websites that gleefully taunt the industry, we were easily able to have our reporters to the scoop. And to make it a double helping of Ben & Jerry�s Brownie Batter, actually.

Although most amusement industry insiders felt that ARN&R was "pretty damn stupid" to throw a big event immediately following the ACE Conference, and completely on the other side of the country, the naysayers were proven to be big poopy heads when AbsolutelyReliable Con ended up drawing over 1000 participants from all over the globe. Enthusiasts flocked from the United States, Canada, Europe, Asia, Africa, and Australia, though we were saddened to note that not a single coaster lover from Antarctica or Djibouti graced us with their presence.

AbsolutelyReliable Con kicked off with a welcoming buffet featuring the requisite buckets of meat, trowels of lard, and metric assloads of gravy required at all coaster enthusiast functions. Of course, members of the AbsolutelyReliableClub received first dibs on which whole deep-fried fowl they wished to sink their quivering jowls into. Most ARN&R Club members selected turkeys, though some members opted for a pheasant, goose, or a whole ostrich of their very own. Despite some whining from non-Club members that some ARN&R Club members were sneaking off with more than one game bird each, there ended up being plenty of dribbling, succulent flesh for all.

After the orgy of grease slurping, participants were welcomed to the event and given a schedule of wacky shenanigans for the rest of the Con. Then everyone was off for three hours of Dance Dance Revolution ERT. A few people asked why no coasters were featured, but the answer was quite simple: 1) The event was held at the Absolutely Reliable Corporate Mega-Campus in Portland, Oregon, a location that does not have any rides, and 2) An overwhelming majority of our Coasterbuzz fans stressed that they would much rather heave and ooze on the DDR machine than ride a stupid coaster or whatever. The DDR topic there lasted 28 pages, after all.

A wide variety of special activities awaited Con attendees the next day. As was the case with ACE, we didn�t succeed in obtaining Helen Hunt�s services for the Con, but at least we weren�t dumb enough to bother asking. Instead, attendees were treated to Hunt movies As Good As It Gets and The Waterdance, but not Rollercoaster. Although it seemed potentially topical to include that movie in the activities, the decision was made not to show it, primarily due to the fact that it sucks.

Afterward, attendees were treated to a surprise buffet table ERT, catered by Dollywood and featuring all those succulent treats like Deep-Fried Big Macs On A Stick With Ranch Dressing and the World-Famous All-U-Can-Eat Suet Buffet that make them true friends to ACErs everywhere. The evening was filled with seven straight marvelous hours of Enthusiass Rambling Time (ERT), which consisted of nonstop bitching and whining about how little parks do for ACE members, demanding Exclusive Ride Time and gifts from parks, rambling on about top coaster lists, and generally behaving in a way that ensured no attendee would ever be invited to another amusement park event ever again. It was truly outstanding.

[Ed. Note: Due to the volume of exclusive information about this Con, it's up in three separate posts. Read on...]

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Copyright 2002-2009 Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.

Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."

Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.

We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.