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Tuesday, June 24, 2003
 
Coasterbuzz Flame War Ensues Over Attempt to Count Montezooma

A monster controversy has been bubbling out of the turgid bowels of Coasterbuzz this past week, following the discovery that a man with the CB handle �CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6� had actually credited the Paramount�s Great America shuttle loop Montezooma�s Revenge on his CB profile�s coaster count despite freely admitting that he has never traveled west of Minnesota.

�This is such a load of s#&%,� opined Jerry Baldwin, 36. �Why is he bothering to lie to us? So immature. I hope I�m never so desperate for the attention a big coaster count brings that I stoop to such stupidity as to inflate my numbers with coasters I haven�t actually been on.� Baldwin then ran off to begin his four-day vacation to Santa Land, Story Land, and Funworld Game Center, each a New Hampshire park widely spaced from any other and featuring a single kid�s or family roller coaster.

CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6 sprinted forth to unload his side of the story. �It�s legit. I experienced Montezooma�s Revenge in all its fury. No lie. I was driving down I-95 to visit some pals in South Carolina and I stopped off at South of the Border for a few Pedroland rides and some tacos at Pedro�s Diner. Everything seemed okay, but then, as I was riding that awesome sombrero into the night sky, it hit me. Damn, did it hit me. Can you say �Los Trots?� I was in the ba�o for three hours screaming and grunting and burning a hole through Pedro�s third-world white thrones. Cramps, chills, queasiness, and imperial gallons of explosive, fiery diarrhea�dude, it sucked. And I had to run pay homage to the porcelain god from one end or another eleven times in the next two days.�

He added, �so don�t try to deny my credit for Montezooma�s Revenge. Maybe it rode me instead of the other way around, but I�ve had just as much shuttle launching as any of those morons who�ve been to Great America. I was just getting the shuttle launching through my ass, but it counts the same.�

Discussion on Coasterbuzz has primarily favored the viewpoint that the Montezooma�s Revenge sufferer is a �lying coaster count jackass,� though minority opinions have held that he is a �wanker� and �a complete tool.� South of the Border employees tell ARN&R that the taco meat they use consists only of the finest cockroach larvae, toenails, and rat schlongs, and they don�t know why on Earth anyone would blame their tasty product for any anal agony whatsoever.

--JCK

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