- - -
Sunday, June 22, 2003
B&M Unveils Plans For New Floorless, Trackless, Trainless, Stationless Coaster
Swiss roller coaster designers, Walter Bolliger and Claude Mabillard, held a press conference today in Truth Or Consequence, New Mexico to announce plans for their exciting new "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster concept.
Mabillard shared some details of the new ride concept with ARN&R in an exclusive interview:
"The 'Zero-Dimension' coaster will add a thrilling new twist to roller coaster riding. It will be the first floorless, trackless, trainless, stationless coaster in the world. Riders will line up in a seemingly never-ending twisting, turning queue full of crossovers, high-banked turns and steep drops. They will zigzag back and forth up and down each lane of the queue at speeds of up to twelve miles an hour, if patrons have world-class sprinting speed."
The ride will culminate with a 540-degree horizontal loop element leading straight into a breathtaking backwards double corkscrew. Riders will then be dropped gently onto the asphalt at the opposite end of the queue line from where they started. With a ride time of just under fifty-three minutes, B&M expects that the coaster could accommodate up to 300 guests per hour.
Bolliger went on to speak about the ride's relatively small footprint and very attractive price tag.
"The "Zero-Dimension" is very compact and does not require acres and acres and acres of land. In fact, the most basic blueprint of the coaster would require less than one acre of land to construct. The price is certainly right, also, with a cost of just $5.5 million for the most basic layout. When is the last time that you could purchase a B&M coaster for that price?" queried Bolliger.
Members of ACE and several other coaster clubs who were present at the press conference were obviously very excited about the "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster concept. Before Bolliger and Mabillard were even finished speaking, enthusiasts could already be heard chattering amongst themselves about how the "Zero-Dimension" roller coaster was their new favorite roller coaster and arguing about whether or not this new ride would count as a credit. The arguments escalated to slap boxing and hair pulling until Bolliger and Mabillard suggested that everyone wait until the ride was actually built before making any determinations about it.
Several "Zero-Dimension" coasters have already been ordered by the Six Flags Corporation, which plans to open the first such coaster as an up-charge attraction at Six Flags America for the 2004 season. It will be called 'Wonder Woman's Lame-Ass Line Dance' and, evidently in a response to recent litigation, will be the first Six Flags attraction to feature Wonder Woman's name and likeness.
"What the hell, we've got the extra land," quipped Six Flags America vice-president and general manager, Janet Porter. "Why not fill it up with more useless, but super expensive, crap rides?"
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.