- - -
Saturday, June 28, 2003
ACE Coaster Museum Out, ERT Museum In
In what the leaders of the American Coaster Enthusiasts are calling "a nod to their roots," the plans for a roller coaster museum have changed. President Carole Sanderson said, "We are still working on a museum, but instead of roller coaster history it will focus on Exclusive Ride Time (ERT)." Sources indicate that the museum will still have an extensive gravy exhibit.
This pleases younger coaster enthusiasts, many of whom had a hard time grasping why ACE had wanted to preserve the memories of coasters from the past. "Its like, the Crystal Beach Cyclone was the shizzle, and all, but it's gone. All of those old coasters sucked and were unsafe," said Jim Tamey, a fifteen year-old ACE member known as GoliathDogg at Westcoaster.net. "Why talk about that boring crap, anyway? I want to tell people about the 4 hours of in-the-rain ERT I got on Revolution and Colossus."
This kind of bragging is exactly the kind of reaction the ACE Executive Committee had hoped for. "We realize that ACE is mostly now a club for ERT and we want to make sure all of the great countless rides members have had are preserved," said Immediate Past President Bill Linkenheimer III. "I only wish we had not saved that lame Leap the Dips; think how much sooner we could have started this important project."
The museum will be state-of-the-art and combine expensive LED screens with an animatronic Paul Ruben who will extol the virtues of having parks and ride manufacturers pay his way around the world. He will also share the secret of why many ladies consider him their "number one ride." Throughout the building monitors will rotate different stories of great ERT sessions and members visiting the museum can stop and record their own experiences for the museum's planned digital video archive.
The only restriction in the memory project will be that all members must wear outfits considered standard coaster wear. Linkenheimer told ARN&R that each memory must be recorded while wearing at least three of the following items: coaster shirt, coaster hat, coaster fanny back, coaster belt buckle, coaster patch, coaster jacket or an outfit that includes black dress shoes and shorts. "This will be one of the most high-tech museums in existence," the Link-o-matic added excitedly.
When asked where the club had come up with the money for all of these gadgets Sanderson said that because the large collection of P.T.C. trains Tom Rebbie had saved for the museum would not be used in its current format they were auctioned off on Ebay to enthusiasts. "It's a win-win; ACE got money and a couple of enthusiasts got coaster trains for use in their living room," said Sanderson. Rebbie could not be reached for comment and ACE historian Richard Munch was last seen weeping softly in a corner.
The groundbreaking is scheduled for September 2003 and the museum should be up and running by 2005. Dignitaries like Ruben, Eric Minton (sporting a "The Loop" t-shirt), XFan and Coaster Bob are already scheduled for the event. In addition, 2000 metric assloads of gravy, 500 corn dogs and 100 cubic meters of fudge have been ordered to feed enthusiasts. "Because of the amounts we had to order the food a little early, but it will be worth it. The opening of the ACE ERT Museum will truly be our defining moment," said Sanderson.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.