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Thursday, June 26, 2003
AbsolutelyReliable Con - Day Two
The next day primarily featured a slew of guest speakers. To begin the day, AbsolutelyReliable Con brought in a number of exalted guests from the hallowed halls of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. First up were a group of editors and writers for Rollercoaster Magazine. A fascinating discussion of pertinent and exciting topics ensued. The editors were happy to ignore questions about why the magazine continues to be published about five months late each issue, despite the fact that the editor is now paid and also has new assistant editors helping out ("It�s that darn cat still eating issues," claimed the editor in chief, off the record). When queried about whether the magazine would continue to include staggeringly offensive and inappropriate jokes comparing moderately uncomfortable hotels to concentration camps (RC Issue 84, p. 21) (sadly, we're serious), the staff said that they had enjoyed the response over the new issue and would strongly consider adding black jokes and perhaps some interviews with Strom Thurmond and David Duke in upcoming issues. "We're also hoping to make fun of non-native employees at U.S. parks!" exclaimed one editor.
After the rotted fruits and vegetables were cleaned from the faces of the RC Magazine staff and the surrounding area, it was time for seminar by ACE News staffers titled "How to Just Make Crap Up For Your Story." A breakdown of a particular article (ACE News May-June 2003, p. 9) showed how, in order to fulfill a bizarre sense of state pride, authors are allowed to "tweak" the facts in a story. The opinion was, if writers for the New York Times and Boston Globe can make crap up, why not just let it slide when a writer for an official ACE publication claims that California has six B&M coasters and Florida has only five? (ARN&R spies report the apparently top-secret information that Florida contains Kraken, Fire Dragon, Ice Dragon, Hulk, Montu, and Kumba, which our top staff physicists and chaos theoreticians assure us is�six coasters.) ACE News also helpfully provided a second seminar, titled "How to Maintain Credibility as a Major Industry Publication Despite Several Articles Dismissing or Complaining About Almost Universally Loved B&M Coasters in One Issue."
Finally, several members of the ACE Executive Junta gave a revealing Q&A where most of the questions focused on them forgetting to pay rent on the ACE offices and then getting booted out in the rain. The evening was spent with three hours of Following Around the Four Almost-Attractive Female Coaster Enthusiast Chicks at This Event in a Hopeless and Fairly Stalkerish Manner ERT.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
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Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.