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Tuesday, April 01, 2003
A Special April Fool's Day Reminder From ARN&R
We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that there are websites out there in cyberland that propagate the spread of misleading and downright ridiculous rumors regarding the amusement industry. Particularly at this time of year, or, more specifically, this day of the year, newsgroups and websites tend to present a great deal of outlandish information for the sole purpose of leading honest coaster enthusiasts astray. We encourage our readers to take any information gleaned on this day with more than a grain of salt, unless of course the information comes directly from ARN&R, the only "absolutely reliable" source of honest, straight, undeniable true facts regarding your favorite and/or most loathed amusement parks and ride manufacturers.
With that in mind, ARN&R is happy to confirm the absolute veracity of the following rumors, according to our loyal spies within various park managements:
1) Magnum really is sinking into Lake Erie. The rate of sinkage is estimated to be more than a foot per year currently, meaning the ride will lose its coveted "hypercoaster" status within half a decade. Cedar Point plans to use sandbags, reroute water patterns, and eventually move the historic landmark several hundred yards inland from its present location.
2) Paramount King's Island will tear down the Vortex. Although many enthusiasts were hoping the park would do so purely out of spite, PKI actually intends to re-install The Bat, claiming that "even though it broke down for months at a time, at least it didn't induce seizures and comas."
3) Dorney Park will finally open those dueling wood standup inverted air-launched coasters we've been hearing so much about.
4) Sea World California will, for no apparent reason, construct a massive immersive ride based on the music of Gustav Mahler.
5) ARN&R will be listed for the first time as a Fortune 500 company.
6) Your Rollercoaster Magazine will appear in your mailbox this week. No, not the 2002 Summer issue. The 2003 Winter issue.
7) The trains on Six Flags World of Adventure's X-Flight will be turned to face backward for the 2003 season.
8) Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park will turn It's a Small World into a shooting gallery attraction.
9) All ACE event buffets will feature double the tonnage of gristly, dripping meats on sticks for your enjoyment. Also, there will be more gravy.
10) Hundreds of hot, intelligent, scantily-clad, single, very horny, college-aged girls, who adore coasters and their enthusiasts, will be attending each and every coaster event this coming season. Maybe even Jessica Alba, if we let her out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion like we promised, but wished we hadn't.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.