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Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Six Flags America Revises CoasterCon Add-On Day Plans
Reacting to widespread enthusiast outrage over its flyer announcing an add-on day following the 2003 ACE Coaster Convention, Six Flags America hastened to release a new schedule today.
"We were shocked at the negative publicity created by our proposed day at Six Flags," stated SFA manager Bud Billingsworth. "We felt sure that hundreds of devoted coaster fans would pay $35, plus $9 parking, for the rare privilege of a Saturday in our filthy, crowded, gangland park, with a monster full hour of morning ERT thrown in for good measure. Also there was the alluring promise of fried chicken, ziti, hot dogs, and metric assloads of thick gravy to tempt those ACErs. I guess we miscalculated."
Following what Billingsworth called "an unending stream of abusive emails, chat group postings, and threatening phone calls," the manager retracted the earlier itinerary. The new version of the event was posted to the ACE website tonight.
"We do listen to our customers," insisted Billingsworth. "We are now planning to offer this exciting add-on day for only $34.99, with parking for a mere $8.99. Also, the pitiful one hour of morning coaster ERT has been removed in favor of an exciting one hour of Security Frisking ERT! Each ACE member will receive an hour of personal searching from a burly security guard. The excitement will be in not knowing if the guard will merely pat the ACE member down, run a metal detector over him, engage in a full body cavity search, or tackle him and club him senseless for suspicion of having metal objects like, say, keys, which could be used as weapons. We're also planning to give 7 hours of night ERT on the one-of-a-kind thrill attraction Mind Eraser. And to the lunch menu we will add that suet buffet that ACE members have been craving. Hopefully ACE members will be pleased with our efforts on their behalf, and we'll expect to see each and every one of them at our gorgeous park!"
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We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.