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Thursday, April 03, 2003
 
No Eighth-Rate Celebrities Brained By Geese Yet This Season
Busch Gardens Williamsburg Offers Apologies to the Nation

In a press conference this afternoon, tearful and crestfallen Busch Gardens Williamsburg representatives apologized to the American public for failing to injure any low-grade, virtually useless celebrities yet this season. Said Tom Lancey, "We really socked it to that wanker Fabio a few years back, what with that monster goose splattering right in his square jaw while he was helping celebrate the opening of Apollo's Chariot. We got so much great publicity out of that, we've tried ever since to stick it to minor entertainment figures when they visit the park, to no avail. A couple years ago, we added 300 new fowl to the park, hoping they would assault Corey Feldman, Anna Nicole Smith, and Gary Coleman. No luck."

Lancey continued: "Last season, we took to actually hurling goose and duck carcasses directly at full trainloads of Apollo riders, trying to nail eighth-rate visiting stars like Tiffany, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and the clearly retarded David Arquette. Still no luck. And we missed that repulsive Carrot Top bastard twelve times on this season's opening day, despite our expensive new computerized system that catapults swans and ostriches toward useless celebrities with what we assumed to be a great degree of accuracy. We suck. Fabio, please come back and help us out. Take another one in the face for us."

When interviewed by reporters, a Busch Gardens wild turkey named Mr. Squawkers, who resides at the far turnaround of Apollo's Chariot and has frequently been seen diving at movie and music personalities of minimal acceptability, had this to say: "Gobble, gobble, gobble!!! Bu-kok, bu-gobble! Cluck! Gobbledy gobble gooble gobble!"

Then he added, angrily, "Gobble gobble gobble!!!"

Fabio refused to be interviewed for this story, but his agent told ARN&R that the heartthrob "is still deeply offended and upset by the unprovoked avian assault, as the injuries Fabio sustained all but ended his dream of simultaneously becoming a nuclear physicist, plant geneticist, brain surgeon, and angst-ridden poet."

--JCK

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