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Thursday, April 03, 2003
ACE Press Release Announces New Incentive for Attending Coaster Con
Pajama Party Offers "Get Laid" Guarantee
Ed. Note: The following was receved by ARN&R as an official press release from the American Coaster Enthusiasts.
If you thought our patch-covered jackets, ugly t-shirts, utter lack of social skills and bottomless buffets were the best ways for ACE members to break the ice and "get some," we have come up with a new way for you to put that box of condoms you have had undisturbed since 1985 to use. Yes, for the 2003 Coaster Con we are proud to present the ACE Pajama Party!
Just check out the flyer. From 8:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Tuesday, June 17 ACE is offering a pajama party at the Richmond Marriott!
Think of how fun this will be. Hideous men and women untouched by human contact for years will gather in one room, bring movies and make awkward attempts at being social. Our organizers will start things off with showings of special amusement-park-oriented adult films such as the 1987 classic Riding the Magic Woodie and the more recent Hypersuckit XLC. If these don't get you a little hot and bothered there will be plenty of alcohol and food so you can work up the nerve to talk to that special someone. Granted, this will be the first time some of these people have been out of their house this year, but that just makes things easier.
There will be lots of swingin' singles for you to choose from, too! Let's look at just a couple:
Ladies, watch out for Tony Partridge. He is 36, single, a computer programmer, just moved out of his mom's house and is ready to hit the town. His "C:Dos, C:Dos\Run, Run:Dos\Run" shirt is sure to leave you in stitches and break any uncomfortable tension. And his inability to look at anything besides your breasts is just a little quirky tic he has.
Hey guys, watch out for "Sassy" Susie Stillman. She is 32, single, just got promoted to the night shift associate assistant manager at the Walgreens in Menomonee, Wisconsin, and rents a stylish 1970's duplex. Sure, she's a little pale, but after a few beers you'll think you're in bed with a young co-ed instead of Casper the Ghost.
Because there will be so many attractive singles for you to choose from (noting the 20:1 male to female ratio) we are proud to say that we will offer you a $100 refund if you do not get laid at this party.
Remember the deadline for Coaster Con is soon! This week will offer over ten food-related events and several of those occasions have the words "all you can eat" in them. We are proud to say that our new Pajama Party will give that term a whole new meaning.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.