Hell Freezes Over

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To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.

�What the hell is going on here, so to speak?� asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. �One minute, I�m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it�s 5 below zero and I�m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!�

After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, �I�ve got a trick knee and I can�t ski. And it�ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What�s a fiery Dark Lord to do?�

�Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,� lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. �Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie�s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We�ve got a lot of work to do.�

In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.

[Editor�s Note: Don�t let Satan�s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]

--JCK

Posted at 5:30 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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