- - -
Thursday, February 20, 2003
ARN&R Attempts to Care About Tidal Wave Removal, Fails
Major US news sources report today that ARN&R doesn't really care very much at all that Paramount's Great America's Tidal Wave, a Schwarzkopf shuttle loop coaster, is being removed from the park. This despite being repeatedly notified by sources and alert readers of the website that the ride was endangered.
"We actually had the scoop on this," reported ARN&R's Editor-in-Chief and Grand Almighty Master. "We received word from a concerned citizen a couple weeks ago that Tidal Force was going to be demolished. We actually had the news ready to break days before anyone else would confirm it, but we sort of, I don't know, didn't get around to it. I mean, it's an 25-year-old shuttle loop, for Pete's sake. It's hard for ARN&R to put the same sort of concern into this as we would for a real coaster like Twister being knocked down. Well, now the removal of Tidal Wave is listed at Screamscape, so we lost our exclusive feature. Darn."
Other representatives of ARN&R were equally unresponsive to the bleak news of the coaster's death. "Why are people even bothering to let us know about this sort of thing?" asked correspondent RAS. "First of all, this must mean someone still thinks this site posts actual news and rumors. Oh boy. Even worse is why, even if we did write actual news, we'd bother sending anyone to cover this anyway."
Added correspondent JCK, "I am desperately attempting to muster up some concern for the removal of Tidal Wave. Uh...um....er.....uh.....nope. Sorry. I actually don't give a rat's ass."
The luxurious Absolutelyreliable staff offices then erupted into fisticuffs over which writer would be forced to write a report on the sad, tragic demise of one of the world's greatest roller coasters. Reportedly, correspondent JCK lost the fight when hit in the face with an auctioned Yankee Cannonball chain dog, after which he grudgingly agreed to feign concern about never getting to ride Tidal Wave. JCK refuses to confirm such speculation, however.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.