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Saturday, January 04, 2003
Cloned Batman: Six Flags, B&M Back Off On DNA Testing
NEW ORLEANS (Jan. 4) - The developers who rocked the world with their announcement of the first Batman: The Ride roller coaster clone one month ago is now backing off promises of DNA testing to prove it.
Six Flags Inc., the park chain that holds a contract with Bolliger & Mabillard, who claim to have produced the first Batman: The Ride clone, told a New Orleans television station Thursday that no DNA samples have been taken and that the creators of the attraction are reluctant to submit to the testing, despite the fact that the testing is entirely painless. "We feel it would be unfair to the baby [as they refer to the clone] to have our love called into question," said a visibly emotional Walter Bolliger, holding hands with his business partner Claude Mabillard. Regardless of the DNA proof, this coaster is our baby."
Many have expressed skepticism about the cloning claims. Experts have said they need DNA proof to believe B&M's claims. Last week Six Flags spokespeople said test results should be ready in eight or nine days proving that Batman: The Ride is surely a clone of the 10-year-old Six Flags Great America version who is also the mother. B&M has made various cloning claims throughout the years, but none were taken seriously until the most recent announcement, relating to a purported claim rumored to be brought to Six Flags New Orleans from Japan.
Louisiana attorney Bernie B. Seagull asked a court in New Orleans this week to turn the coaster over to state care agencies if it found the coaster's health was in danger.
Attempts by ARN&R to reach Mickey Gillman, a freelance journalist and former Absolutely Reliable science editor who was arranging the DNA testing, were not successful. A spokeswoman for Six Flags said she was not familiar with B&M's broadcast remarks and was unable to comment.
Friday, January 03, 2003
Gravity Group Selected to Design Next M&M Rollercoaster Dispenser
The Gravity Group, created after the bankruptcy of Custom Coasters International, announced that it had signed its second contract yesterday. Shareholder Lawrence Bill made the announcement: "Mars, Inc., has selected The Gravity Group to design next year's rollercoaster-themed M&M candy dispenser. We appreciate the support of the Mars candy company and will do all we can to satisfy all of the company's customers."
Early rumors indicate that the dispenser will have many of the features CCI was known for: excellent airtime, significant laterals, and excitement throughout the course. The initial plans are to have the ride made with a steel structure and wood tracking, with miniature M&M trains manufactured by PTC.
Bill concluded: "The end price -- approximately $439 per dispenser -- may be a bit higher than this year's model [$12], which we understand was designed by a fourteen-year-old factory worker in Korea, but we think the improved quality will be more than worth it."
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Six Flags Over Texas Spokesman Easily Stumped By Seven-Year-Old
The story has been a staple of Six Flags Over Texas tours for years, even decades: Way back when, when Angus G. Wynne, Jr., first conceived of opening a Texas theme park, he planned to call it “Texas Under Six Flags,” referencing the half-dozen countries that had ruled the state. But because he and other Texans didn’t like the idea of Texas being under anything, it got changed to the now-familiar “Six Flags Over Texas.”
So SFoT spokesman Gregg Murray didn’t expect anything besides a polite chuckle when sharing the story with a holiday-season tour of elementary school kids who had won an essay-writing contest.
But then Pete Marvin, a second grader from LBJ Elementary in Dallas, pointed out the blindingly obvious: “If the six flags are over Texas, then Texas is still under the six flags. That’s what we learned about ‘over’ and ‘under’ in first grade, anyway.”
Murray was initially rendered speechless, and then attempted to recover. “But, you see, it’s not Texas under six flags any more. The flags are over…um…it’s not under. It’s over.” At press time, the spokesman was hunched over at his desk with a small model of Texas and miniature flags, muttering, “Over…under…over…under…dammit!”
Chain spokesperson Maureen Sokolow issued a statement: "It is Six Flags Theme Parks's position that Six Flags Over Texas is not equivalent to Texas Under Six Flags. The former does not imply Texas being under anything; it merely describes flags being over Texas. Also, four inversions are equivalent to seven, and full is empty."
Monday, December 30, 2002
Huge Traffic Increases at ARN&R
Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors reported today that its traffic has increased by a staggering amount in the last half of December. Typically visited by approximately 11 people with no lives on an average day, ARN&R has recently seen its web hits rise in logarithmic fashion, culminating yesterday in a total of 213,456 single visits to the website, resulting in computer gridlock and pandemonium rivalling the direst Y2K predictions.
"Obviously, we are elated by this turn of events," stated ARN&R's editor. "While we still have yet to sell a single Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom Wonderbra at our online store, it certainly is great to know that thousands of hardworking Americans and, more particularly, the Dutch, have been enjoying our fairly amusing park satire."
Representatives from all of the major web search engines dispute worldwide excitement in roller coaster satire, and have stated their belief that the exponential growth of the site's popularity comes almost entirely from a December 19th ARN&R article entitled "Maxim Announces 'Babes of the Amusement Industry' Issue."
Says Ben Noguchi, a representative of WebGalivanter, "Every single one of the more than 150,000 WebGalivanter searches leading to ARN&R yesterday involved some combination of the words 'Jessica Alba,' 'naked,' 'Maxim,' 'pork,' and 'frollicking,' each of which appeared in unrelated context in the December 19 article. ARN&R needs to wake up and realize that these hundreds of thousands of hits are from horny teens looking for sexy photos of Jessica Alba, not from coaster enthusiasts looking for wry banter and sassy put-downs of Six Flags America."
Noguchi added that ARN&R staff should be wary. "There are going to be lots of pissed off young men hoping to locate hot pictures of Jessica Alba frollicking in pork gravy, and instead they will find articles about Ratt wanting their own ride and coaster enthusiasts whoring themselves for the Discovery Channel. I really doubt ARN&R is prepared to deal with this great an onslaught of frustrated masturbators, especially since their audience is presumably made up almost entirely of a slightly different population of frustrated masturbators already."
Through a publicist, Jessica Alba declined repeated and insistent requests for a date or an interview.
How Meta Is This?
We haven't the slightest idea what to make of it, but it's sort of funny:
Absolutely Crap News & Rumors
In the disclaimer, we think they mean that it's "just a joke" rather than "just a job," but if someone can tell us how to get a job making fun of coaster sites that make fun of coaster sites, we'd love to hear it. Actually, if they can tell us how to get a job doing this, that'd be cool, too.
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.