Still here. But mostly in 140 characters.
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Friday, October 11, 2002
Lower Quarterly Results Blamed On Really Good Rockford Files Episodes on TV Land

Paramount Parks, trying to explain lower attendance at its regional theme parks in the past quarter, didn't blame most of the standard targets -- inclement weather, the lingering effects of 9/11, and so on. Instead, it attributed the drop to a really good stretch of Rockford Files episodes on TV Land.

"It's the darndest thing," said chain CFO Brian Marvin on an analysts' conference call. "Just as the summer was reaching the stretch where we usually do best, we noticed a drop. And our employees were coming in tired, too. Then we figured it out: TV Land is showing The Rockford Files after midnight, and this summer they were showing episodes from the height of the show's oeuvre. Like, the other night, Rockford ended up in New Jersey -- man oh man, was he out of place there. And then there was that one where he disguised himself as a coffin salesman -- that was a classic!"

Marvin then started giggling and humming the show's theme song and refused to stop, ignoring all further questions.

"Dee doo do-do-do, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee doo-doo..."

Posted at 9:32 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Thursday, October 10, 2002
German Exchange Student Not At All At Home In Oktoberfest Section of Busch Gardens

Jakob Schmidt, a German exchange student staying with a family in suburban Washington, D.C., was reported to feel "not at all at home" in the Oktoberfest section of Busch Gardens Williamsburg.

His host family, the Gardners of Rockville, Maryland, had brought him there "for a little taste of the old country," says Dave Gardner, the student's "host dad." "We figured he probably missed the liederhosen and sausages-on-a-stick that are known to be so popular in Germany, and Busch Gardens does a heck of a job with the theming, so we packed up the family and headed down for a surprise weekend," said Gardner, who has never been overseas nor more than 300 miles from home. "But we got there and walked into the German-themed section, and you could see the disappointment on his face. I guess he was hoping for more black turtlenecks and techno dancing or something. I thought he'd be into the polka dancing a little more."

Schmidt, reached for comment, said it took him a full half-hour to determine that the theme was supposed to evoke Germany. "It is utterly unlike anything I have ever seen in my home country. It's like the park thinks everyone in Germany froze in time starting in about 1875. And hello, serving Bud Light? You'd get your ass kicked in Germany if you served Bud Light."

Posted at 9:59 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Wednesday, October 09, 2002
Cedar Fair Tries to Convince Analysts It Should Trade Higher Based on Its Cool Stock Symbol

Cedar Fair, L.P., a publicly-traded partnership operating close to a dozen amusement parks and water parks, held a special conference call with stock analysts after the markets closed yesterday to emphasize that the symbol for its partnership interests is so cool, the unit price should be increased on that alone.

"It's 'FUN!' Don't you get that?" queried Brian Withers, Cedar Fair spokesman. "F-U-N. It spells 'fun,' what our guests have. Every time you type it into your computer, you'll smile. When you see it go across the ticker, you might even giggle. C'mon, guys, that should be worth at least a buck a share." After the analysts sat in stony silence, Withers spelled out F-U-N with arm motions and sang a short song about the joys of holding stocks with neat abbreviations.

Cedar Fair closed yesterday at 20.85, unchanged for the day. In after-hours trading, however, the stock was up sharply at $23.20, suggesting the call was successful.

Posted at 9:40 AM | Link |

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Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Enthusiast Planning to Get Really Into Porn During Offseason

As the amusement park season comes to an end, many enthusiasts start thinking about what to do with their free time during the following six months. Some do crafts, others travel, and still others obsessively visit coaster-oriented sites every 45 minutes hoping for an update on what program the flat rides at their home park will be running.

But Paul Fedder has decided to go in an entirely different direction: pornography.

"I figured, that's something I can obsess about even more disturbingly than I do coasters, it allows me to maintain my hours-at-a-time on the computer I'm already used to, and it'll educate me enough that I'll be a real catch once I enter the dating pool," said the seventeen-year-old Fedder, who says he's "saving himself for college girls."

Fedder has already obtained several false adult identification numbers for access to those sites that require age verification, and used his dad's credit card to obtain over five hundred dollars in PayPal funds for paying for private sites. He says he's still getting the lay of the pornographic land, but thinks that he'll gravitate towards "classic porn, just like I love the classic wooden coasters, going up and down and up and down and up and down..." His voice trailed off.

"I gotta go."

Posted at 8:55 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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Sunday, October 06, 2002
ARN&R Announces AbsolutelyReliableClub

Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors today announced The AbsolutelyReliableClub, a new club for enthusiasts everywhere. For $20 annually, members will receive the site with absolutely no ads -- no banners, no popup ads, just all the mildly funny fake rumors they can stand. They'll also receive access to the Mildly Funny Fake Rumor Track Record, so they can keep track of which mildly funny fake rumors they've already read, and a Personal Mildly Funny Fake Rumor site, in which the member's name will be automatically added into a mildly funny fake rumor, so that it appears that the member actually appears in the story. The public site will feature the same story, but with a far less funny name, such as Jon Smith.

Members will also receive access to every single ARN&R event, which are expected to number in the dozens every week, as all of the major and minor amusement parks, thrilled with the excellent and positive exposure provided by ARN&R, have already offered to provide up to a full week of exclusive ride time to ARN&R's readers. Every event will also feature gravy.

Perhaps most notably, members will receive a membership card, suitable for framing, and access to the AbsolutelyReliableClubHouse, in which members can make fun of those people too stupid to pay $20 a year to join, and where the site owner will mercilessly mock everyone, members and nonmembers alike.

Posted at 9:35 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)

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