- - -
Friday, September 20, 2002
Cedar Fair, Six Flags Work Together Against Gluttony
Terry Schrag of Columbus, Ohio, was surprised to open a letter from Knott's Berry Farm and Six Flags Magic Mountain today containing a bill for $37.51. The statement said that Schrag, 32, ate four times his allotment at the Coaster Con that occurred at both parks earlier this summer. "I don't get this, I paid my registration fee for the Con, and they said 'all you can eat'!" said an exasperated Schrag, "This is ridiculous."
The letter is part of an ongoing joint loss recovery program started by Knott's Berry Farm General Manager Jack Falfas and Six Flags Magic Mountain G.M. Del Holland. "They ate us out of house and home," said Falfas. "It was really frightening," agreed Holland, "We knew some ate a lot, but this was insane. Our maintenance guys were wiping barbecue sauce off the Déjà Vu restraints all morning after E.R.T., and the smell remains to date. And I don't even want to tell you about what we found in the splashdown pool of Perilous Plunge." Falfas added: "Apparently, Schrag failed to note the asterisk next to the "All you can eat" sign, referencing a footnote providing a maximum poundage limit of three pounds of food per person per meal."
The collaboration marks the first time the two parks have been involved in litigation together against a common client. Schrag was targeted first because he was seen as one of the Con's worst food offenders. "The crew on the Ghostrider caught him eating a thigh and drumstick as the train ascended the lift. Not only were these potential problems for the coaster’s undercarriage, the grease flying off his jowls hit many riders in the eye," noted Falfas. He further observed that the park, when hosting a Con, typically has to buy as much food for 300 people as they do for an ordinary 1000-person corporate event, "with an even more disproportionate amount of Dippin' Dots. They love that stuff."
Schrag, a computer programmer, is not only offended that he has to pay more, but says that what he describes as a "ridiculously tiny" amount of food provided only adds insult to injury. "When gamers visit my booth at trade shows, I always have something for them to eat --- a moon pie, some Corn Nuts or a bag of Oreos. It is important your customer never go away hungry."
Falfas and Holland feel the parks have a solid case. Looking confident, Falfas shared the parks' key piece of evidence: "After the Con we were short a week's worth of chicken. But this will make up for it. The guy is shown on video shoveling potato salad in his mouth on the way up Supreme Scream. What jury would find him innocent?"
Thursday, September 19, 2002
IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com To Launch
The "definative [sic] source for all things coasters," IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com is scheduled to launch on Monday, September 23. Featuring what its creator, Michael Callahan, calls a "unique combination of pictures, rumors, top-ten lists, and forums," industry analysts stated that it holds the distinction of being the ten thousandth web site to claim to be definitive, and the four thousandth coaster-oriented site to spell "definitive" incorrectly. Additionally, it is believed to be bring the total count of sites stealing Joyrides.com's copyrighted images up to five hundred, a new record.
Callahan says he knew there was a void in the online coaster community. "Sure, other sites have some of the things that IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com has, but there's not one that has them all -- pictures, rumors, top-ten lists, and forums." When shown that, in fact, dozens of sites have precisely the same combination of materials, Callahan responded, "Well, yeah. But none of them have as cool a name. And I've got free IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com e-mail addresses. Everyone's gonna want one of those."
Callahan's last web venture, SuperWackVanillaIceRulesSite.com, launched on January 1, 1997, after a particularly long night of drinking, and was last updated on January 5, 1997.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Enthusiast Hopes Hypersonic T-Shirt Gives Girl Ideas
Joel Gotto, a fifteen-year-old coaster enthusiast from Boise, Idaho, visited Paramount's Kings Dominion in Richmond, Virginia, home of S&S Power's Hypersonic: XLC, as part of his high school choir tour. He loved the ride, but more, he loved the t-shirt, which he readily admits he hopes gives ideas to Claire Barkley, a popular junior at his school.
"I don't want to say much, but...you know. It's quite a coaster, and it's sure to put some thoughts into Claire's head," said Gotto in an interview with ARN&R. "And I'll be there, smiling, right above the picture." Hypersonic, an S&S Power-designed coaster, is known generically as a Thrust Air 2000, a fact Gotto intends to casually drop into conversation with Barkley, with a subtle emphasis on "thrust." If the conversation naturally turns to it, he also plans to discuss the erotic characteristics of stand-up coasters' restraints.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Holiday World's "Professional Assistant Day Village" to Open in 2003
Holiday World, located in Santa Claus, Indiana, announced a major expansion today, adding to its themed holiday sections including areas for Christmas, Halloween, and the Fourth of July. This time, it's Professional Assistant Day, the holiday previously known as Secretaries Day.
Holiday World announced that the themed section will feature bumper cars designed to look like desks, but other attractions have not yet been determined. "With the other sections, it was pretty easy to come up with ideas -- you know, Christmas with the reindeer, Halloween with the Sleepy Hollow thing, and patriotic stuff for the Fourth of July. For Professional Assistant Day, it's trickier. What, put a flat ride inside a giant pencil sharpener or something? But we'll figure something out, and our so-friendly-they-must-be-drugged employees will be there too!" said Paula Werne, spokeswoman for Holiday World. "Hey, maybe a giant slide where the bags look like envelopes! Or a Whack-a-Mole themed to knocking bosses on their heads!"
Sunday, September 15, 2002
Six Flags Astroworld to Receive Another Crappy Used Coaster
In a press release issued on Saturday, Six Flags announced that Six Flags Astroworld will get "another crappy used coaster" next season:
"Six Flags Parks Inc. is pleased to announce that Six Flags Astroworld will receive a Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster for 2003, a genuinely boring and painful coaster that's been passed around from park to park like a bucket full of bat guano dipped in cat pee. Our valued Houston guests will get to stand in line for up to two hours at a time for the not-even-remotely-unique experience of having their heads smacked back and forth like they moved in on Mike Tyson's special friend in prison. This piece of crap has abused guests at two Six Flags parks in the past, and we're happy to dump it on Six Flags Astroworld!"
ARN&R contacted Six Flags Media Relations to point out that Six Flags Astroworld already has a Vekoma SLC, to which the spokesman commented, "What, another coaster's not good enough for them? Screw 'em, then. They can have that or another Batman stunt show with actors who couldn't cut it on the Home Shopping Network. What, they're going to go to that other major theme park in Houston?"
Halloween Event Goes Over Poorly at Sesame Place
Sesame Place, the Sesame Street-themed park aimed at young children, thought they'd give a shot at creating some October revenue through a Halloween event, as so many parks have done. And what seemed to do the best at most parks was the goriest, scariest events possible. So they came up with "Sesame Street Friends Go To the Doctor," with depictions of bizarre experiments being performed on favorite Sesame Street characters. The park had no marketing money left over for the year for TV advertising, so the park relied on in-park signs -- signs that did not indicate that the attraction was Halloween-oriented, to increase visitors' suspense at what awaited them.
To the surprise of park management, virtually every child came out of the attraction weeping, with fully a third of the parents (most of whom were splattered with fake Big Bird blood from the bird's lobotomy scene) threatening lawsuits seeking funds for what most call inevitable years of therapy.
"It's all just in fun!" said Jane Wiggins, park manager, who came up with the idea. "What kind of three-year-old can't handle a little Cookie Monster kidney removal with power tools and no anesthetic? Wussies."
By the way, in case you're really not too sharp, this is satire.
Our favorite review: "as a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all of my family take parks very seriuslyand all thow we laffed after time we were apoled by the joke."
Anything you e-mail us is fair game to go on the site or to be used in any other way, including printing it up real big and posting it outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.
Sorry, your IQ must be this high and your age at least 18 to be among the intended readers of ARN&R. Please enjoy some of our other attractions.
We like gravy and the occasional buffet. The greatest thing ever, however, would be a gravy buffet.