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Breaking News:
One of these people is very happy. One is not. Every time a bell rings, a roundish coaster enthusiast gets his wings! Sorry to inform you that "Mister Donut" translates as "Pastry filled with feces" "What do we want? BRAINS! When do we want them? BRAINS!" "And then we sold this man a fifteen-year-old Walkman for $200 and told him it was the next-generation iPod!" Okay, really, now you're just photoshopping in the same stupid pose in front of stock photography for each park. Costumed worker at Japanese park on day TPR visits: Worst. Temp. Job. Ever.
More headlines below the ads...
Hello, Japan! We will be annoying you for the next several days. This is almost like interacting with another human. More gravy, fewer noodles, please. "Hey, we're in Japan! Let's, um, bowl! That should really expose us to new cultures! "...and then let's go to Denny's!" "I wonder if I could get an on-ride video of this drum..." Why exactly would the photographer yell out "Act like utter morons, anyway? ...and dozens of Japanese commuters collapse from the smell at once Dude, that's totally Spicoli in the middle. It's so nice to be somewhere that's open to different, er, preferences What Has Happened to CoasterBuzz? Wild West World Owners Next Spending $40 Million on Roller Disco-Themed Park Hollywood Horror Nights to Feature Enormous Animatronic Goldie Hawn In Further Improvements to Son of Beast, Cedar Fair to Add Whiny Guy with Body Odor Tapping Patrons' Shoulders Repeatedly, Asking "Does This Bug You?" Hard-Hitting Journalist Rather Proud of Transitions Sunglasses, Intense Journalistic Stare Q. Why Don't Enthusiasts Get Dates? A. Here's a Start. Hundreds of Enthusiasts Simultaneously Discover Working in Amusement Park Sucks, Fellow Employees Hate Them Six Flags Right In Touch With Hot Trends Intamin Admits Maverick Designed by Ron Toomer with Bendy Wire Hangers; Says, "Computers are Expensive!" Enthusiasts Practice Saying "Mas Tapas" Repeatedly Gravy Futures Way, Way Up Carowinds Employees Assimilated
All information guaranteed absolutely accurate or your money back.
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Saturday, September 07, 2002
Sources: C-SPAN to Open "C-SPAN World Theme Park" Outside Washington (WASHINGTON) Well-placed sources have reported to ARN&R that C-SPAN (the Cable and Satellite Public Affairs Network) is close to signing a deal with several ride manufacturers and Arlington County, Virginia to open a 55-acre amusement park in 2004. The park will have a combined focus on public affairs and what C-SPAN insiders call "the greatest political public affairs coverage-oriented thrills on Earth!" At opening, the park is expected to have over 800 televisions showing the three C-SPAN television networks, as well as disguised speakers throughout the park featuring highlights from C-SPAN Radio, including hourly playback of LBJ seeking custom Haggar pants with really deep pockets. On the flat ride front, the primary provider is Wisdom. The highlighted ride, "Washington Journal," is a customized Starship 2000 in which the ride rotates approximately once every minute, features all-fluorescent lighting, and a soundtrack made up entirely of Phil Gramm speeches. C-SPAN executives and marketing staff are said to be particularly excited about the park's initial coaster, tentatively called the "Politicator," which will operate at speeds upwards of three miles per hour and have three queue lines -- one each for Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. A manufacturer has yet to be chosen. Admission pricing is still under consideration. C-SPAN is reportedly requesting that Six Flags, Paramount, Cedar Fair, and other major park chains make voluntary contributions to provide C-SPAN World Theme Park for free. "The public relations appeal would be enormous," said an inside source at C-SPAN. "We expect our park to do even better in visitor count than C-SPAN does in viewership, and every one of those visitors would hear "C-SPAN World Theme Park: Created by America's Theme Park Companies." If voluntary donations are not forthcoming, C-SPAN is expected to obtain Congressional action to mandate them. Posted at 5:47 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Friday, September 06, 2002
Cedar Fair to Be Renamed "Seven Banners"; Denies Effort to be More Like Six Flags Cedar Fair L.P. will be renamed "Seven Banners Theme Parks L.P." if a proposal made by its management is approved by its partnership shareholders. The press release announcing the change explained the genesis of the idea: "I was driving into the Cedar Point parking lot one day, when I happened to notice that there were seven banners identifying the different parking areas," said Dick Kinzel, who contemporaneously announced that he would change his name to "Greg Storied." "The name just came to me. And we were sort of tired of the Cedar Fair name already. This way, we can unify all of the parks under one name." As alluded to by Kinzel/Storied, all of the parks will be renamed with a "Seven Banners" theme: Valleyfair! will become "Seven! Banners! Over! Minnesota!"; Knott's Camp Snoopy will become "Seven Banners Over Conspicuous Consumption"; Cedar Point will be "Seven Banners Over That Peninsula Thingie"; and so on. Company officials denied that the name change was at all relevant to the ongoing competition with Six Flags. "As if," said Kinzel/Storied. "Until you asked, I hadn't even thought about the faint similarity between their name -- involving six, not seven, pieces of fabric. And ours are banners, with pictures of puppies and things on them; their fabric is flags -- you know, like a country's flags. To suggest a connection there is just ridiculous." The press release also announced that every Seven Banners park will receive identical Intamin shuttle coasters themed after a newly-created comic book hero, "Excellent Man," and will be stripped of all individuality. Posted at 2:59 PM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Jeeper's Park in Olathe, Kansas to Get Next B&M Flying Coaster Jeeper's, a small, one-coaster indoor activity center in Olathe, Kansas, is said by knowledgeable insiders to be in line to receive the next B&M flying coaster. Details are still sketchy, but early word has it themed after the Faces of Death series of videos and reaching heights of twelve to thirteen feet. Posted at 9:19 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Six Flags Acknowledges Inappropriate Accounting of Funnel Cake Sugar In breaking news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. (NYSE: PKS) today issued a press release indicating that it had discovered that a seasonal employee at Six Flags Fiesta Texas had engaged in accounting malfeasance. Specifically, the employee misrepresented the volume of sugar used in preparing funnel cakes in order to cover up his near-constant eating of the sugar. "Unfortunately, he just was too addicted to the sugar to get help," said Beth Cargill, human resources manager at the theme park. "He was eating upwards of ten tablespoons of the stuff a day. Fortunately, our outside audit team caught the discrepancy by comparing Fiesta Texas's sugar usage to that of other parks in the chain." The employee, who has not yet been identified, was immediately fired and was said to be the subject of an SEC investigation. Posted at 8:05 PM | Link |
Public Relations, Marketing, Planning, Budgeting, Administrative, Executive, Ride Operations, Finance, Food Service, Janitorial, Security, and Special Events Departments of Every Amusement Park Chain and Company Completely Unaware of "Open Letter to the Industry" Joe Fredrickson, fifteen-year-old coaster enthusiast in suburban Madison, Wisconsin, recently posted an "open letter" to the amusement park industry listing his series of complaints about the parks he had visited. "It was a great letter," Frederickson told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. "I really hit them where it hurt, explaining, in detail, the problems with every part of the industry and how they had to change to keep my business. I focused mostly on better pizza sauce. Since I'm the heart of their target market -- and since I posted it on CoasterDudes.com, which I hear gets, like, hundreds of hits a month -- I really thought it'd shake things up." When reached for comment, spokespeople for the Public Relations, Marketing, Planning, Budgeting, Administrative, Executive, Ride Operations, Finance, Food Service, Janitorial, Security, and Special Events Departments of Six Flags, Busch, Paramount, Kennywood, and Universal Studios, as well as independent park operators representing approximately eighty percent of the parks in the United States, all but one said they had not heard of the letter or the site. "Joe Fredrickson? Nope, never heard of him. You say he wrote an open letter to the industry? Hmm. Missed that one," said Thor Perseue, a Cedar Fair spokesman. "We take every visitor's concerns seriously, though, and we will be certain to examine his letter -- wait a minute. Did you say he was worried about pizza sauce? Nah, we're not gonna take that seriously." Perseus called back later to add, "What a loser. Screw him." Similar comments were received throughout the industry. One ride operator who answered the phone at Big Chief's Karts & Coasters stated that the park was considering the letter "very seriously," but he was later determined to be Fredrickson's younger brother lowering his voice to sound more adult. CoasterDudes.com webmaster John Pegsley, once he was reminded that he was webmaster of a site called CoasterDudes.com, said, "Uh, we remain confident that our site is central to the industry. Why, looking at our logs, it's clear that we get a huge amount of traffic from AOL executives...or at least people who use AOL." Posted at 1:37 PM | Link |
Intamin, Six Flags Announce Innovative Collaboration for Halloween Events In what is being hailed as a breakthrough in Halloween events, Six Flags and Intamin announced yesterday a never-before-seen attraction to be premiered at Six Flags New England. The attraction, known presently by its trade name, "Kill a Guy," will be initially launched during SFNE's "FrightFest" Halloween event under the name "Kill a Foreign Guy." In the event, foreign exchange workers will be placed on the tracks of coasters throughout the park at random times. In almost every instance, the employee will be given sufficient time to escape the approaching coaster train. "But a few lucky riders," says Gary Story, head of Six Flags Theme Parks Inc., "will get to be present at the end of a human life. None of this theatrical fake crap for us like at Knott's. Nope. This is actual death." Story then twitched visibly and was seen trying to keep his hat on over the apparent demonic horns growing from his head. Intamin, a growing coaster and other ride company from Switzerland, is involved to ensure the complete safety of passengers on the death-bringing coasters, according to spokesman Jan Smagby. "No, we would not want any of the people on the trains to get hit by a limb or other body part; they might get hurt! So we have developed a special harness for the exchange workers, ensuring that their bodies will remain fully together, if not fully functional, after impact. Still, there might be a little blood." The workers are expected to have been tested for communicable diseases prior to being "volunteered" for duty in the attraction, so as to minimize any danger from flying blood or other fluids. When reached for comment, the YMCA -- sponsor of the foreign exchange workers' trip to the U.S. -- was ambivalent. "On the one hand, we'd prefer that the workers be alive and able to return next summer. On the other hand, we and Six Flags pretty much treated them horribly this summer, so the odds of that were pretty low to begin with. And we've gotten a full summer of work out of them, so it's really not too big a deal to us." In related news, Knott's was said to be in negotiations with California officials to feature the execution of a prisoner on California's Death Row during the Knott's Scary Farm event, held yearly at Knott's Berry Farm. Posted at 10:41 AM | Link | 0 comment(s)
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