Medical Community Battles Sudden Endemic Amongst Enthusiasts

Emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and free clinics around the world are dealing with a massive outbreak of priapism this week, almost exclusively afflicting roller coaster enthusiasts. Priapism is a dangerous medical condition where the erect penis will not return to a flaccid state, which can result in permanent damage to the organ’s blood vessels, and in rare cases, gangrene.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire career.” said Dr. Don Petersen, practicing physician at the Aldrovani Institute For Erectile Dysfunction. “On average, we may see two cases of priapism a year, but I’ve treated sixty-one in the past week alone. Needless to say, we were quite concerned.”

As the number of afflicted nationwide soared to over five thousand, researchers began investigating the cause of this disorder. “The proliferation of patch-covered denim jackets, along with a general dearth of basic bodily hygiene, made it apparent that the ailment was localized within the coaster enthusiast community.” said Petersen. “Unfortunately, none of the victims were able to verbalize what triggered the malady. To a man, their vocabulary had been reduced to a series of near-feral grunts and groans. Naturally, we turned to Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors for assistance.”

Working in conjunction with Petersen, ARN&R identified several potential causes, including the recent releases of Halo 3 and the Transformers DVD, or the news that Britney Spears is flashing her cooter in public again. But in the end, it was the bank of supercomputers located in the sublevels of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Towers that finally identified the common denominator.

“ARN&R’s computer system determined that all of the infirm had used their computers to access this press release from the Amusement Safety Organization.” Petersen said. “The offer contained in the release was apparently so enticing to most enthusiasts, they…ahem…‘got wood’ that simply would not subside.

“How anyone of even the slightest mental capacity could take that seriously I’ll never understand. It’s like the old saying goes, there is one born every minute.”

Leaving the Aldrovani Institute after several hours of painful arm, throat, and penile injections, one enthusiast who declined to be named (Rick Bognar of 1993 Walnut Road, Terre Haute, Indiana, Thrillnetwork display name: Bognar316) stated “Ge ougha ma wai! I goga sahn up fo da fee tip u Kang Duminun ang Dorne Pahk!”

--CMV

Posted at 2:06 PM | Link | 11 comment(s)

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

 

Six Flags Finally Gets Priorities Straight

We’ve been assailed for months now about how Mark Shapiro and company are going to turn the Six Flags company around, and make it a safe and pleasant entertainment destination for families, children, and people of all ages. And nothing illustrated that more than an incident this week, where Great America employees ignored scores of line jumpers and bands of foul-mouthed teenagers to forcibly eject a patron who was smoking outside of a designated area.

“This is a great day, not only for Great America, but for the Six Flags chain as a whole.” said Brooke Gabbert, a public relations spokeswoman for the park. “This will send a strong message to anyone who mistakenly lights up in a non-designated area. We hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and we will eject you from the park with no questions asked.”

Teri Melendez, the ejected patron in question, claims that she was never given the option to extinguish the cigarette or move to a designated smoking area. But according to Gabbert, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

“We have zero tolerance for these kinds of ‘mistakes’.” Gabbert said. “She’s lucky that that our crack team of employees didn’t break her legs or rough her up a bit on the way to the parking lot. I’d say she got off easy.”

Gabbert, along with the entire workforce of the Gurnee, Illinois park, was present at a medal ceremony for the two employees in question, identified only as “Jerry” and “Tim”. When ARN&R asked who was actually manning the park at this time, Gabbert told our reporter to “mind his business” and insinuated that a crushed Marlboro Light could “conveniently” appear near our feet at any time.

As expected, the forums at the Great America fan site SFGAMWorld came out in full support of the company in this sycophantic thread, where one poster boasts to have “been known to take cigarettes out of people's hands in line for rides and put them out on the ground”, and another states that Melendez “deserve(d) to die” for her hideous transgression.

--CMV

Posted at 12:57 PM | Link | 3 comment(s)

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Monday, September 10, 2007

 

Six Flags Stymied In Their Attempts To Rid Themselves Of Coasters

After nearly six years of complications, delays, and inordinate downtime, Six Flags is quietly making plans to rid themselves of their three Vekoma Deja Vu coasters. But ARN&R has learned of a snag in the park giant’s plans; Vekoma will not refund Six Flags’ money without the original sales receipt.

“It’s official company policy,” stated a Vekoma customer service representative who declined to be named. “We only accept returns for cash with a valid sales receipt. All returns without a receipt will be issued store credit, or the amount of value on a Vekoma Gift Card.”

And it appears that no amount of whining or cajoling on Six Flags’ part will alter Vekoma’s company policy. “Without a valid receipt, we have no way of knowing if the coaster was actually purchased from us,” the Vekoma rep went on to say. “It could very well be an Intamin product, or, heaven forbid, a Togo.”

“Of course it’s theirs!” responded a frothing mad Frank Kincaid, Six Flags’ Undersecretary of Finance. “The damn thing only worked for a few weeks at a time, who else’s could it have been?”

Kincaid admitted that he doesn’t have the receipt, despite looking “really hard” for it. He also acknowledged that it may have gotten lost under a massive pile of guest complaints about the chains’ Operation Spy Girl stunt show at Six Flags Great America.

--CMV

Posted at 11:25 AM | Link | 1 comment(s)

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